once a year...

about once a year camryn fights a sinus infection.  and poor girl this year's infection is just wrecking havoc on her skin...who'd thought?  her skin is just raw from blowing her nose over and over, it's chapped, and it has developed open sores.  ugh...poor girl, she's just hatin' life and she's embarrassed.  my heart hurts for her...because sometimes i wonder when enough is enough.

camryn gets very sensitive about certain things and i don't blame her.  after all, you don't go through all that she has and not developed some insecurities.  but, honestly today i feel bad...just sad.

once in a while it all creeps in on me about camryn...yes, she is doing fantastic.  yes, she is thriving. but...

there's always a sense that some of these issues she faces daily are cancer's fault.  and they are.  no body can withstand it all.  no one.  there are side effects during treatment, but i think the lasting effects are what you don't expect.  you fight so hard to survive that you really don't consider what does this mean long term?

today is one of those days...the long term is battling me.  i hate that her rash looks awful.  i hate that her poor little face has red rash and chapped skin.  i hate that she cries because she is embarrassed.  i hate that this is all because of a stupid disease.

and the worst part...

the disease lurks.  right now my heart aches for friends of ours who have battled melanoma for over a year.  they are great people, sweet people, two little kids...who have lots of life left to live.  and yet this stupid disease wreaks havoc on their lives.  i don't like it. not.one.bit.

tuesday camryn heads down to clinic to see her usual doctors, haven't seen them since august.  it'll be nice to hear how she is doing, i sure hope her face looks better and she feels a bit better about it all.  dr.m will be in and i'm sure she'll get to see her most favorite doctor.  that will be a blessing.  i'm hopeful that maybe they'll stretch out her appointments even further and we'll begin to start the transition to survivor clinic.  that is just unbelievable to me.

the next week we see dr.s at the dermatology clinic.  

and then the next week we'll see another dr.s in the immunology clinic to see how cam's immune system is doing.

nothing like 3 trips to ucla in one month!  oh well.  thankful we've had some time off!

so once a year when camryn fights a cold/sinus infection like normal kids my heart feels it.  it's never easy to watch your child be sick, but once you've fought for their very life it really causes a bit of your heart to just ache.