{sometimes}

whew, where in the world is october going?

things have been really busy this month...lots of activities, lots of fun, lots of friends, and just lots of life.  i've been struck this month of where our lives were six years ago...camryn was 5 days post transplant six years ago.  wow, that just amazes me that she was here...

sometimes i just look back through pictures and smile...sometimes tears come.  sometimes i lash out in anger at all that was, and sometimes it's quiet and my heart feels peace. sometimes songs play and memories flood...like today during chapel at school we sang "Everlasting God".  i simply cannot sing that song without tears welling in my eyes, all the while a smile beams on my face...i listened to this song over and over while driving to ucla time and time again to see this face.

a face that held my heart then and holds my heart still.

october 2012 has brought a sense of peace, even in the midst of the craziness of life.  even in the midst of my dad's illness and hospital stay.  even in the midst of two of the most crazy, busy weeks in life.  even in the midst of a calendar whose dates are not simply numbers, but days that hold such memories.  even in the midst...because,

sometimes every one of us fears

like we’ll never be healed

sometimes 

sometimes every one of us aches

like we’ll never be saved

sometimes

when we’ve given up

let your healing come

when theres nothing left

let your healing come

til were risin up

let your healin come

where You go we will follow

where You go we will follow

it’s Your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

it’s Your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

Sometimes

~ David Crowder Band

i will not pretend that i have life tied up in a neat package with a beautiful bow...sometimes the storm that rages in my heart is difficult, ugly, and painful.  but, sometimes the joy that comes is glorious, oh so glorious if i allow His love to heal me.  i was struck this week as i read through 500 plus surveys of middle and high school students asking what they wish they were, what they wish they weren't, what they wish they did, and what they wish they didn't; that life is painful, extremely painful, and no one is immune. some of the hurts that were shared brought me to tears, my heart was incredibly heavy, and i felt as though i could feel my very heart break.  and then someone said it..."if it hurts us this much, what do you think it does to God's heart?" and that stopped me.  i've sang the lyrics time and time again..."break my heart with what breaks yours", but this time i felt it, this time i knew...that sometimes we need our broken hearts healed with the amazing love of Him.  the love of Christ lavished on us to know that we are not alone.

i had a moment last week when the world seemed very skewed, when all that was seemed unreal.  i got a call from the ucla number i know all too well.  it was the doctor who had ordered camryn's 11 vile blood draw to test her immune system...he said things looked good, but there was something alarming.  my heart sank to the floor, luckily i was sitting in my boss' office which kept me from losing it completely.  camryn's blood showed and abnormality for lupus.  my heart broke.  i finally mustered the courage to call camryn's nurse practitioner who seems to know all things about camryn...she had not seen the lab report, but would look into it.  by friday i hadn't heard and my heart was breaking into a million pieces.  i sent an email...i got a call from the ucla number later.  the conversation went something like this:

me: hello?

b: hi dana, it's b.  

me: hi b, thanks for calling.

b: i have looked at the lab sheet and i've talked to dr.moore.  he too has seen the lab sheet. and we don't see anything alarming, he does not want to to be concerned, he feels that everything is fine.  camryn is doing well.  

me: (tears welling) thank you b.  thank you.

b:  dana, don't worry.  she's okay, we are not concerned and we don't want you to be.  enjoy your weekend and again don't worry.

me: thank you b.  you all mean so much.

and sometimes the healing comes...

its your love we adore

its like a sea without a shore

don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid

just set your sail and risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

it’s your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, were lost in You

it’s your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

where you go we will follow

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

~ David Crowder Band

and i take a deep breath knowing that healing comes, brokenness comes...

and it's His love that restores