{sometimes}

whew, where in the world is october going?

things have been really busy this month...lots of activities, lots of fun, lots of friends, and just lots of life.  i've been struck this month of where our lives were six years ago...camryn was 5 days post transplant six years ago.  wow, that just amazes me that she was here...

sometimes i just look back through pictures and smile...sometimes tears come.  sometimes i lash out in anger at all that was, and sometimes it's quiet and my heart feels peace. sometimes songs play and memories flood...like today during chapel at school we sang "Everlasting God".  i simply cannot sing that song without tears welling in my eyes, all the while a smile beams on my face...i listened to this song over and over while driving to ucla time and time again to see this face.

a face that held my heart then and holds my heart still.

october 2012 has brought a sense of peace, even in the midst of the craziness of life.  even in the midst of my dad's illness and hospital stay.  even in the midst of two of the most crazy, busy weeks in life.  even in the midst of a calendar whose dates are not simply numbers, but days that hold such memories.  even in the midst...because,

sometimes every one of us fears

like we’ll never be healed

sometimes 

sometimes every one of us aches

like we’ll never be saved

sometimes

when we’ve given up

let your healing come

when theres nothing left

let your healing come

til were risin up

let your healin come

where You go we will follow

where You go we will follow

it’s Your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

it’s Your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

Sometimes

~ David Crowder Band

i will not pretend that i have life tied up in a neat package with a beautiful bow...sometimes the storm that rages in my heart is difficult, ugly, and painful.  but, sometimes the joy that comes is glorious, oh so glorious if i allow His love to heal me.  i was struck this week as i read through 500 plus surveys of middle and high school students asking what they wish they were, what they wish they weren't, what they wish they did, and what they wish they didn't; that life is painful, extremely painful, and no one is immune. some of the hurts that were shared brought me to tears, my heart was incredibly heavy, and i felt as though i could feel my very heart break.  and then someone said it..."if it hurts us this much, what do you think it does to God's heart?" and that stopped me.  i've sang the lyrics time and time again..."break my heart with what breaks yours", but this time i felt it, this time i knew...that sometimes we need our broken hearts healed with the amazing love of Him.  the love of Christ lavished on us to know that we are not alone.

i had a moment last week when the world seemed very skewed, when all that was seemed unreal.  i got a call from the ucla number i know all too well.  it was the doctor who had ordered camryn's 11 vile blood draw to test her immune system...he said things looked good, but there was something alarming.  my heart sank to the floor, luckily i was sitting in my boss' office which kept me from losing it completely.  camryn's blood showed and abnormality for lupus.  my heart broke.  i finally mustered the courage to call camryn's nurse practitioner who seems to know all things about camryn...she had not seen the lab report, but would look into it.  by friday i hadn't heard and my heart was breaking into a million pieces.  i sent an email...i got a call from the ucla number later.  the conversation went something like this:

me: hello?

b: hi dana, it's b.  

me: hi b, thanks for calling.

b: i have looked at the lab sheet and i've talked to dr.moore.  he too has seen the lab sheet. and we don't see anything alarming, he does not want to to be concerned, he feels that everything is fine.  camryn is doing well.  

me: (tears welling) thank you b.  thank you.

b:  dana, don't worry.  she's okay, we are not concerned and we don't want you to be.  enjoy your weekend and again don't worry.

me: thank you b.  you all mean so much.

and sometimes the healing comes...

its your love we adore

its like a sea without a shore

don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid

just set your sail and risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

let’s risk the ocean

show me grace

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

it’s your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, were lost in You

it’s your love that we adore

it’s like a sea without a shore

we’re lost in You, we're lost in You

where you go we will follow

where you go we will follow

i’m on my knees

where you go we will follow

oh God send me

~ David Crowder Band

and i take a deep breath knowing that healing comes, brokenness comes...

and it's His love that restores

it's in the genes...

yesterday, wyatt got the final birthday gift...golf clubs.  i will admit his list was very different this year:  basketball hoop, bike, dodger game, and golf clubs.  suffice it to say our little guy is quite a sportsman.  

when he told us he wanted golf clubs we knew exactly who we would talk to...grandpa mikels.  jason's dad is an avid golfer, he learned from his dad who was a golf pro at a resort in the pocono mountains...golf is in the mikels genes.  grandpa mikels knew which clubs would be best and ordered them, all the while wyatt patiently waited for his new clubs, his first clubs.  grandpa mikels also bought camryn her first clubs and took her golfing for the very first time...it was a precious memory and i'm so glad that she has that moment.  now, it was wyatt's turn.

wyatt, grandpa, and grandma headed to lunch at the course and ate a yummy lunch.  wyatt ordered pancakes, because that's his favorite! :)  they ate lunch and then headed to the driving range.  grandpa taught wyatt how to hold his clubs (wyatt is a lefty in golf), how to stand, and how to strike the ball...grandma took pictures and they are darling!  they then headed to the putting green and did a little work with wyatt's putter...grandpa was very patient teaching wyatt exactly how to line up his putt and how to strike the ball in a smooth stroke.  

wyatt had the time of his life...he got to ride in the golf cart around the course, he got his own special bag tag with his name on it, he got to see grandpa's locker "w.mikels" which grandma said could be his. :)  it's funny because it often has been said that wyatt looks a lot like his grandpa mikels and he does...and the pictures are priceless of a third (really fourth) generation of a mikels learning how to golf.  

after a fun day with his grandparents wyatt was thrilled to ask grandpa if they could do it again, and maybe next time camryn could come too.  wyatt is a precious boy...and yesterday he became another one of the mikels boys golfing.

yep, it's in the genes

six...

happy birthday wyatt...

hard to believe you are 6 years old, seems like time is passing much too quickly.

you fill a place in our hearts unlike any other...

simply, you complete us.

you make our family of 4 so much richer to have you.

when wyatt got his dodger schedule he quickly noticed that there was a game

on his birthday...a home game against the st.louis cardinals

a friday night firework night...

he wanted to go.

so for his birthday we went...

the cutest dodger fans around

honestly, these two are the best of friends...

camryn was so excited to spend wyatt's birthday at the

dodger game with him.  

she wouldn't have it any other way...

it's the unspoken between them that's amazing

camryn knows that her life in no way would be the same 

without her brother, her best brother.

and this picture just makes my heart smile.

jason & wyatt

they love the dodgers, they love baseball...

and they love being best buddies

i love the way wyatt is looking at his daddy

what better birthday present than a 

dodger win!

complete with wyatt's favorite player, 

andre ethier hitting a home run!

wyatt was so excited to go on the field to watch fireworks

in fact he wanted to sit in right field in honor

of ethier

yep, he bleeds dodger blue

wyatt is a sports nut and i have no idea where he gets that

he decided he wanted a usc birthday party, because

the trojans were playing stanford

yep, a boy after my own heart.

we had a very fun day celebrating wyatt with family 

and a few of his best friends

many thanks to those who came to celebrate 

our boy wy

he had lots of fun playing boys against girls...

oh my i could see it all beginning

and since it was over 100 degrees we brought out the blow up pool

and lots of water fun!

isn't this the cutest face ever?

yep, we love our sweet p

the kids splashing and playing...

what fun to add in school friends with life long friends

jason & i are so very thankful for the circle of friends

wyatt has...his world is much bigger than it 

once was and we couldn't be more grateful.

waiting for cake...love these little faces

wyatt and eisley...

the best of friends

love the special friendship 

of these two

six years ago our world became very full with little guy

he brought a most special gift to his sister

and completes a place in our hearts

wyatt is our daily, moment by moment, megaphone

of the lord in our lives saying

"i'm not finished, wait, hope, believe...a most precious gift is coming"

a bike from papa & grandma...

(love the sign made by my dad)

they boys being boys...

one of the blessings on village is the friendship of these two

oz & wyatt

they are the sweetest of friends and i cherish 

the friendship they have

and as oz's mom and i say...

"this is for their senior page."

wyatt,

you are the best boy we could ever ask for.  you make our hearts smile.

we remember waiting for you to come, waiting to see just who you'd be.

and no doubt about it, you sweet boy are exactly what we need.

you continue to amaze us with your sweet heart, stubborn spirit,

amazing abilities, driven personality, aim for perfection.

you the best...our best.

we love you 18 hundred 1 million 3 thousand times.

love,

daddy & mommy xoxo

and as camryn's card said to him

"i can't believe you are six.  you are the best brother ever. love your big sis, cam"

mommy's going back too...

so this summer i made the decision (with much encouragement from jason & my bosses) to go back to graduate school.  in no way is this a decision that i would have come up with, but with some visionary leaders in my life the lord open the doors for me to pursue a master's in educational leadership at apu.  

i did the whole gideon from the bible thing of laying out my fleeces for the lord.  i ask him to make it clear to me when i went to an appointment with dr. marcos at apu that i would know with certainty that this is the path for me.  as i drove out to apu a path i have traveled numerous times i was caught with nostalgia...i first drove out to apu 19 years ago to start my freshmen year.  wow, so much has changed.

i met with dr.marcos and was super impressed by her, she was wonderful.  we chatted about life, her's eerily foreshadows mine (both 8th grade history teachers, married to pe teachers, with a daughter and a son).  she was great...but the whole time the fleece loomed.  we started talking the real issues of going back to school.  how many classes?  how long?  how much money?  and the lord was as he always is, in the details.  since i already have a master's from apu i am waived 12 units of work, as well as all the admission fees.  crazy i thought.  all to say i have 4 classes, that's it...which will take me one year.  i sat there amazed at the lord...really?!  dr.marcos encouraged me to take advantage of the program, and that she would be my advisor all the way through and to take my classes online since i am working full-time, and a mommy of two.  

again the lord has directed me back to a place that means so much to me.  i did some of the most important growth with the lord in my life at apu.  had incredible mentors and leaders through my undergrad and graduate programs, and now i go back for more.

i went out there again today to buy my books...it's orientation weekend with lots of freshman and there is a buzz of life there beginning.  i was amazed at even though it's been 15 years since i graduated, and 10 years since my masters, apu is home.  there is a quality there that i love.  

i am thankful that the lord continually opens doors, when it is needed.  nervous?  absolutely, but again like gideon i feel like the lord long ago brought the people in my life to lead me to risk this jump...because it is a risk, but one that i am very excited for.

so, mommy starts school tomorrow...yikes!  

first day of school...

both camryn & wyatt were super excited for school to start, they had been anticipating finding out their teachers and who was in their classes for the last weeks of summer...finally, the lists were posted.

camryn was thrilled to have miss e and even more excited that her friend p was in her class.  we have said over and over how very blessed cam was to have a wonderful second grade year with some of the best girlfriends ever.  camryn was happy to get her supplies for third grade and even more surprised that she had to get WIDE ruled notebook paper.  "wow, mom this is big kid paper."  yes, it is...all the while thinking how in the world is she this old?!  yikes!  camryn picked out a hello kitty lunchbox, complete with a hello kitty thermos!  she is loving it!

wyatt informed us that he is a "big boy now."  guess first grade is no longer the little grade.  he was very happy to get mrs. a...and have some of his friends in his class.  this summer wyatt has seemed to grow so much, maybe not physically (he's still a little peanut); but emotionally.  wyatt is more sure of himself and confident and this was so noticeable to us as he prepared for first grade.  he was super excited to go to school...he truly loves to learn, which is so fun to see.  he picked out a cars lunchbox, complete with a cars thermos...and he too is loving it!

watching these two navigate the first two weeks of school has been priceless, even more grown up than i thought.  they were excited to be back in the familiar territory of village and even more so with their friends.

 they are silly, crazy, fun, and everything in between.  love that these two make the days of going to work even better, watching them come into their own in their own little pieces of the world is wonderful.  they have blossomed in ways that i never thought possible and i am ever so thankful for their teachers who guide them each day.

many thanks to miss e and mrs. a who constantly love on my kids.  teaching them responsibility, math, reading, spelling, computers, and everything in between.  but, most importantly to love jesus...to experience his great love for them and growing to love him too.  for this there is no price to high to pay...for them to be daily loved by people who pray for them, love them, and thank jesus for them.  i could not ask for more.

there are many things that could be said for the journey that brings us to today...but, the one word that comes to mind when i look at these two faces is grateful.  these days are a gift.  period.  i longed for them and wished for them many days ago when all just seemed so dark.  but, the sun shines now...and these faces capture the greatest words my heart needs to hear.  he loves us.

who would have thought three years ago this little miss was struggling just to live.  a lot of things have changed since those days...hair is a lot longer, she is taller, she is older, but even in all the changes some things remain.  cam is a fighter, she is survivor, and she knows that she was so incredibly sick and jesus made her better....and she loves that he made her better with this face...

wyatt.  he is growing into his own person and challenging us in ways we never thought possible.  and yet, regardless of the moments his life screams loudly in my heart that the lord is never finished, he is so far ahead of us that even when we think we know, we have no idea.  hard to believe this little guy will be 6 in about two weeks.  

six years of parenthood which in no way has been what we thought it would be.  you cannot plan for your child to have cancer...and yet, when i see where we are i know that it is only through walking through the storm clouds, that we get to see the rainbow.

and yes, the rainbow of a promise...that god loves us, oh how he loves us.

so, we start school another year of normalcy and we cherish it beyond measure.  thank you jesus for giving us these days...and even the days these past six years to bring us to this day.

thank you for loving us...and staring school with us too!

december...really?!

this past tuesday was a first.

camryn had her normal, routine, monthly clinic appointment tuesday morning.  i knew that her doctors would want to be thorough as this was her appointment before school starts.  plus, cam's rash had flared up a bit at the end of july so we had been in touch with her nurse practitioner to make sure nothing got too out of whack.  i was a bit nervous as i knew that maybe just maybe they would put camryn back on meds and we just didn't want that.  honestly, at this point we are further down the road post-transplant than we have ever been so we are in uncharted waters for us, and it feels awesome so the last thing i wanted to hear was we were taking steps backwards.

cam was in an okay mood...she just is so over all of this and quite frankly i don't blame her at all.  she's done.  but, like she always does she was great at clinic.  we saw lots of familiar faces and they all commented about how tall camryn is getting, how long her hair is, and basically how big she is.  it's funny sometimes when i think about it as these people have literally watched her grow since she was 2.  they have seen her many faces (short hair, no hair, curly hair, puffy cheeks, weight gain meds...you get the idea), but they always seem to see her and compliment how well she is doing and i cherish it.

we made our way to our room and began to wait...the lab upstairs was open, or at least we thought so, we'd decided to wait until after we saw the doctors and then get labs.  we waited, cam had her doll with her and she was doing her best to be patient.  berkley came in to say hi and we chatted a bit, she was pleased with how well cam was doing and happy to hear that some of her symptoms had stopped and it looked like cam had a little virus in july.  she said that a med student would be in to see us and then dr. moore...i smiled, i also love med students.  they are so tentative and new...many students have passed through our door to see camryn and i knew that she probably won't not be too cooperative.  a nice student walked in tried his best to engage camryn, and she was not having any of it...he tried and tried.  there was a knock on the door and berkley came in and said dr.moore changed his mind and she would be seeing camryn.  poor med student...i felt bad, but i knew camryn's case is unique a relapse transplant and dr.moore probably didn't want to have us tell our story for the millionth time.

berkley chatted some more and pretty soon dr.moore came in.  camryn LOVES dr.moore, i know i've said it before but quite honestly i have never seen her respond to someone like him.  he holds an incredible place in her heart, and i cherish him.  camryn and dr.moore went through their regular routine and smiled, laughed, and chatted...it was precious.  he checked her out, talked to me for a few minutes and then said...

"how would you like to come see me before christmas?  how about december?"

a smile broke across mine and camryn's face...december?!  that's 4 months away.  we have never gone 4 months without at trip to the doctor.  never.  camryn was so excited, she was thrilled that no more medicine and no more blood draws for 4 months!

this moment was a first and it meant so much.

camryn is well.  she is well and we can live for 4 months without trips to ucla and without the constant life revolving around cancer.  she is living the life she should be...

and we are grateful.

remembering...

yesterday afternoon i caught myself going back in time to 6 years ago...

at times i think i forget, no not forget just get so involved with where life is now that 6 years ago really seems forever ago.  but, it's not...not to this momma's heart.  there are a lot of things that were happening this month 6 years ago, and really if i allow my heart to fully go there 7 years ago as well.

god was weaving a tapestry of our lives and little did we know it 7 years ago a storm was coming unlike any we would ever experience.  and then the storm hit in february...and the storm raged for months and months.  climaxing in august.

camryn was crashing, her vitals were awful, her lab sheets were an absolute mess.  everything normal was not.  i was 8 months pregnant and fighting to keep things together...a baby was coming, and my baby was fighting to hold on.  i was caught remembering the days of august 2006.  big bellied me rocking camryn hour after hour while she clung on to my belly.  her fevers up around 105, cool rags all over her trying to keep her as cool as possible.  we found out our sweet boy wyatt was a match on the 23rd, but when i remember back it is as if camryn knew...she knew that her life would be found in her baby brother.  she clung to my belly and day after day the nurses would say those two are going to have quite a bond...little did they know then what we know now.

i find it hard to go back, and yet when i do i can see god's love lavished on us.  oh the skies were grey and the clouds very dark, but there were glimpses of love.  and one of those greatest glimpses came on september 14th.  god's voice flooding our lives in wyatt jason...and holding camryn lee.

and yet, i was remembering 3 years ago this month...letting go of dreams and hopes.  trying with all my might to reconcile camryn not going to kindergarten and trying to piece together our lives as best we could.  holding on tight to what i knew to be true...the lord carried us through august after august and he would again.

then a year ago...the dreams emerged, the hope restored as camryn & wyatt began a journey of normalcy to "just be kids".  the leukemia did not define us, cancer did not define us, we were beginning to take steps of normal life and it was as if the grey skies made way for the sunshine to break through and stay.

oh there are always moments when the clouds start to gather...and some of those darkest days were in august...but, the hope of restoration is bright as a little girl prepares for third grade and a little boy for first grade!

many thanks to god whose unending presence in our lives holds us still.  whose tapestry is weaving a most beautiful story of a little girl a little boy and their parents who thank the lord daily for choosing us.  for choosing us to hold their hands on their great journey of life.

love you big cam & wy. xoxo