Every day around 2:50 I walk pass the kindergarten class rooms and arrive at room 1, look in the door and see a smile that meets mine...Wyatt Jason.
Today as we chatted he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand pass the classrooms to our usual waiting spot for Camryn. As we walked I will admit I choked back the tears, this is a moment I want to freeze forever, and ever. My little guy grabbing my hand and holding on tight.
I learned long ago that I had to hold my children loosely as they are not mine, they are incredible gifts. Sometimes I wonder how differently my perspective would be had I not walked the journey of motherhood that I have. I wonder if I would save the things I do, if I would let my kids do what they do, if I would allow what I allow, I just wonder how differently this would look.
I am constantly reminded that the Lord is holding us in all our moments, even the ones that hurt so deeply. I will admit that this September has had a very different feel from any other September to date. Usually September held lots of tears for this momma, as I went back to work after spending weeks at home just playing my way through summer. It was always very hard to head "back to school" year after year. I always longed for the day two little faces would be traveling with me...always. I remember praying and hoping that day would come when Camryn turned 5 and then that dream shattered.
And quite honestly everything since then has felt a bit fragmented...that we were living looking through broken windows and walking on broken glass.
Then Wyatt was going to school...and then Camryn and the dream began to refocus. And I won't lie it has taken me awhile to fully embrace it all. I think in some ways I feel as though I am walking through someone else's days. I have wanted these days for so long, and now that they are here I can't help but just savor each one.
I savor the little hand that grabs mine daily.
I savor the smiles when I pick them up from school.
And I savor most the moments when I sneak a glance at them throughout their days, whether they are on the play ground, walking to class, eating lunch, just any given moment when I see their faces...it is the biggest perk of my job by far!
And I continually thank the Lord for carrying us here, because really he did. No doubt, we never would have made it without his hands carrying us through. I thank him for the silver lining to the dark clouds now...the moments of normalcy...the moments when all I can say is "thank you."
But, most of all...
A moment when a hand grabs mine...and even better when both my hands hold theirs, for a moment that is all this momma will ever need.