disneyland solo...

Daddy is away at Men's Retreat, so what do the we do while he's away???

Go to Disneyland!

Yep, I braved taking the kids by myself for the first time...hey, they are 7 and 5, I figured by now I'd be okay to brave it by myself. Many woman have done it much sooner and yes, I am very amazed by them. :) The kids and I had a fabulous day!

We didn't stay overly long which was nice since the park was super crowded and it was hot...but, we got there at 9:00 so we beat the rush a bit! We did the kids usual favorites and just had fun together...I love that more and more our lives are normal and we can enjoy things like families do.

I smiled at watching them run all over Tom Sawyer's Island...yes, we still call it that even though Disney would rather us say "Pirate's Lair". Watching them chat about where they wanted to go next...and of course stopping at their favorite place. Small World!

Sometimes it's fun to just do the out-of-the-ordinary, on a very ordinary day...

a moment...

Every day around 2:50 I walk pass the kindergarten class rooms and arrive at room 1, look in the door and see a smile that meets mine...Wyatt Jason.

Today as we chatted he grabbed my hand and we walked hand in hand pass the classrooms to our usual waiting spot for Camryn. As we walked I will admit I choked back the tears, this is a moment I want to freeze forever, and ever. My little guy grabbing my hand and holding on tight.

I learned long ago that I had to hold my children loosely as they are not mine, they are incredible gifts. Sometimes I wonder how differently my perspective would be had I not walked the journey of motherhood that I have. I wonder if I would save the things I do, if I would let my kids do what they do, if I would allow what I allow, I just wonder how differently this would look.

I am constantly reminded that the Lord is holding us in all our moments, even the ones that hurt so deeply. I will admit that this September has had a very different feel from any other September to date. Usually September held lots of tears for this momma, as I went back to work after spending weeks at home just playing my way through summer. It was always very hard to head "back to school" year after year. I always longed for the day two little faces would be traveling with me...always. I remember praying and hoping that day would come when Camryn turned 5 and then that dream shattered.

And quite honestly everything since then has felt a bit fragmented...that we were living looking through broken windows and walking on broken glass.

Then Wyatt was going to school...and then Camryn and the dream began to refocus. And I won't lie it has taken me awhile to fully embrace it all. I think in some ways I feel as though I am walking through someone else's days. I have wanted these days for so long, and now that they are here I can't help but just savor each one.

I savor the little hand that grabs mine daily.

I savor the smiles when I pick them up from school.

And I savor most the moments when I sneak a glance at them throughout their days, whether they are on the play ground, walking to class, eating lunch, just any given moment when I see their faces...it is the biggest perk of my job by far!

And I continually thank the Lord for carrying us here, because really he did. No doubt, we never would have made it without his hands carrying us through. I thank him for the silver lining to the dark clouds now...the moments of normalcy...the moments when all I can say is "thank you."

But, most of all...

A moment when a hand grabs mine...and even better when both my hands hold theirs, for a moment that is all this momma will ever need.

"normal"...

Today Camryn did something little girls do...she went to her first "friend" party. Of course she has been to other parties, but this was the first one that was not a friend of the family or cousin. It was a party for a school friend and let me just say Camryn was over the moon to get to go!

When Camryn got the invitation I think it just might have been the coolest moment...she was so excited to be invited to S's party. We quickly put the date on our calendar and rsvp'd to the event.

We got there and I have to say that this was a new experience for both Camryn and me. I wasn't sure if parents dropped off, stayed or what exactly was the normal thing for parents to do. As we walked in it became obvious that parents were staying and welcome to stay and hang out. Camryn walked in and was a bit overwhelmed and shy, but quickly found S and S two of her best friends and all was well. I found another mom I had met at Meet the Teacher Night and chatted with her...okay, I talked with her for almost the entire party and it was wonderful. It felt nice to make a new friend and get to know some of the other moms of girls in Camryn's class...afterall, some of these girls could be her friends well into high school.

We enjoyed our day...it was nice to watch Camryn just blend in, to enjoy herself, and have friends.

Friendship is something Camryn has longed for, for a very long time. She has cried many times over the fact that she really didn't feel like she had any friends. And I know one of the best parts of school for her is having friends! She loves her friends and I daily thank the Lord for these precious girls who have shown Camryn grace, love, and acceptance!

I am praying that her friendships with these precious girls continues...and I am thankful for some neat moms to know and walk this journey of school with!

Thankful for the normal moments that are finding us...so grateful!

school days...

We are fully immersed in school days...our family of 4 is on school going bunch! Hard to believe today ended the fourth week of school...we've been in school one month! Oh my goodness, time is flying by that's for sure!

Wyatt is enjoying kindergarten. He is not fond of drop off and the actual going part, but once he is there is liking it a lot! He has come home telling me stories of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Peter Rabbit, and Jack and the Bean Stalk...they are studying fairy tales and doing some super cute activities with each one...going on a hunt all over the campus for Goldilocks, eating carrots with ranch dip and making a super cute rabbit, and making a giant puppet and counting jelly beans. Wyatt is also learning his phonograms and doing well with his weekly memory verses; it is super fun watching him learn and grow. At first he was not fond of nap time, but lately he has been telling me that he is resting (closing his eyes) in fact twice he has been the "super napper". :) He is learning to navigate recess time and making friends. At Back to School night his teacher said that it takes awhile for the kids to find their friends...and for the first week he had lots of tears because he said "he didn't have friends." Talk about breaking his momma's heart! But, true to his teacher's word he is finding his friends...there is lots of talk about recess, lunch, and the funny moments of 5 year olds. He talks often about his buddies R, T, and J...it's fun to watch him make some friends and enjoy a bit of life on his own. On of the highlights throughout my day is getting a peek at Wy during his recess time...the first week he saw me and just waited by the fence watching me while I supervised high school nutrition, and now slowly he is running and playing and I get the occasional wave from the top of the slide. I love these moments of my job...having Wyatt at school with me is a precious gift that I adore!

Camryn is a full-fledged 2nd grader. During the second week of school we hit a bit of a rough spot, Cam was unhappy she was not liking school, and truthfully I think she was just overwhelmed. She likes school, but I think her body was reaching a max for exhaustion. It was a super hot week days over 100+ which doesn't help Cam at all; plus PE had become a much dreaded event. Yes, that made her daddy sad. :) But, the third week was much better and this week was great! Cam is doing really well with school...she is learning her phonograms, it is a hard program to jump into, but she is doing super well with it. She will begin Early Birds twice a week which is an enrichment program to help her work through the two years of phonograms she has missed by coming in at this point. She is doing well with spelling which has been super exciting for her, she feels a great sense of accomplishment by being able to do well. She also got a 4th grade reading buddy who she will read with once a week...she was super excited because her buddy is the big sister of one of her friends in her class! She comes home daily telling me about science and what she has learned...telling me about her senses and taste buds on her tongue. It is amazing watching her be a little sponge and just soak in all the school she can. Camryn is loving her teacher and enjoys the daily activities of school...yes, even PE now. We worked through some issues there...enlisted the help of her teachers and are gently encouraging her to try to be physically active more and more. It is a hard feat for someone who just began really running this summer in therapy...baby steps is our goal in PE. :) Camryn is making friends too...she has made some super sweet friends in S, S, K, A and daily I feel like I hear another name of someone she played with. But, her one sweet friend S who daily goes to the nurse with Cam to get her medicine is a gift! Camryn gets embarrassed by telling her story and having to go take meds during the day, but S is a great added bonus who daily wants to go with Cam...and it is too cute!

All in all school is a gift...it's hard to believe we are starting a 13 year long process, but it is wonderful. A dream come true really...

So, I will savor the moments of homework, lunch packing, papers to fill out, and just everything in between...The Dynamic Duo are embracing the normalcy of life and we love it!!!

back to school...

A few weeks ago we attended Back to School night for the kids...it was a surreal experience. One because I am always the teacher, after 14 years of classroom teaching this was the first year I got to be the parent...it was awesome. Plus, the reality of Camryn & Wyatt being in school is still settling in...at times I really am shocked that our family has arrived at this place.

We ate our tacos and enjoyed the conversation with various parents of kids in our children's classes. It was really fun...especially since a few kids in our kids classes are children of our friends. In fact in Wyatt's class is the little boy of friends of ours from high school...fun to watch our boys go through school together. It is neat to get to know other families, but if I'm honest a bit overwhelming; it's as if the whole world is now our world and after it being so small it is a lot.Camryn wanted me to go to her class and Wyatt wanted Jason to go to his class, so that worked out perfectly.

It was pretty neat to sit at Camryn's desk and look at her things, write her a note, and hear all about the fun of 2nd grade. And it was super special because Camryn's 2nd grade teacher was my 2nd grade teacher...and I loved 2nd grade. It was very special. I know that the Lord's hands are all over this year for Camryn...she is making some very sweet friends and doing well with school. She is feeling a sense of accomplishment which is so amazing to witness. I love seeing the fingerprints of the Lord throughout the moments...from the sweetness of Mrs.B, to the wonderful nature of her PE teacher Mrs.H, to see how much she will learn and grow this year was awesome.

A very cool part of it all like I mentioned is Camryn's teacher was my teacher...how awesome is that?! I have some of my fondest memories in Mrs.B's (well she was Miss J then, she wasn't married yet) class...from the friendships I made, to whale watching, to lice, to chickenpox, to Pac-Man multiplication tables race, to tissue paper trees, to rainbow shirts and wrap-around skirts...yes, second grade was one of my favorite years! And I cannot wait for Camryn to enjoy the person Mrs.B is...she is simply wonderful...and yes, I was smitten with her when I was 7, so I know Camryn will be too!

Jason headed to kindergarten where the chairs are much smaller...it was a crack up watching Jason sit behind Wyatt's desk! Jason heard all about the fun of kindergarten and what a very full day it is...they have busy schedules! Jason was amazed at Mrs.L and just her love for what she does, but also just how amazing of a person she is! He heard about phonograms, reading, field trips, nap time, testing, and just about everything else. I think Jason's mind was in a bit of a whirl when it was all over, but it was priceless watching Jay look at Wyatt's work and smile. He is proud of his boy, so proud of all that Wyatt is learning.

It is a very special treat for Wyatt to have Mrs.L...his cousins Caleb, Josh, and James all had Mrs.L as well. Guess it's something about the boys! :) Wyatt thinks it is very cool to be in the same room Caleb (who is now 25) was in! Plus, I was Mrs.L's TA when I was a 9th grader...I colored many a book, cut tons and tons of patterns, made letters for bulletin boards, and soaked up kindergarten! I have to say Mrs.L has a way that is magical...her room doesn't quite seem like a class room, but more like a little world that she has created and it is just amazing!

When we got home from Back to School Night, Jason looked at me and said, "Thanks for making it possible for them to be at Village." And you know that meant the world to me. It is rough balancing motherhood, full-time teaching, and everything else...but, it is well worth it when I stop to consider just what amazing ladies they have reaching into Camryn & Wyatt's lives each and every day.Blessed beyond measure!

five years old...

Happy Birthday Wyatt!

You are the craziest, funniest, best, most wonderful, precious, sensitive, stubborn, feisty, fun, and just plain special boy ever. We love you big and we love you deep. We cannot believe you are five...I wish we could slow down time a bit. Your first five years have been anything but easy...lots of ups and downs we have endured as a family. But, you...you remind God's ever present reminder that He is with us. He hasn't finished writing our story and you are a constant reminder of how great God's love is for us. We dream, hope, and wish great and big things for you...cannot wait to see where 5 takes you! We love you buddy and bub Love, Daddy, Mommy, and of course your best friend Camryn

first day of school...

A day that I don't think we thought would ever come...the first day of school. Camryn was very excited, thrilled, and just over the moon to get to go to school! She just had to wear her jumper and pick out her navy blue Converse...she looked darling, so grown up. This day has been a long time in coming... In fact when Camryn turned 5 I packed this day away in the "things you cannot dream" category, it was for another day, another time. Honestly, I really had not yet myself fully embrace Camryn going to school, I think in a way I was waiting for something to change. But, nothing changed. We got up, at a yummy breakfast and got our precious girl ready for her big day. I must admit part of what has taken me so long to post this is because I am lacking the words to fully capture the enormity of the moment for all of us.

Our precious girl who has fought through more than any child should ever have to was going to school...for the first time in almost 5 1/2 years she was doing something every other kid does. And that means the world. After watching other kids enjoy the moments of childhood and having to look the other way at times, because it was just too hard to watch and tell yourself "someday". Well, someday came and it was a full day, full of meaning. Camryn has made it...she has reached a benchmark that quite honestly I never knew for certain she would. She is alive. She is healthy. She is well. And to watch her drop her back pack at her classroom and run out on the playground was more than my heart could handle, tears came. That is our little girl...oh the story that the Lord has woven to get her to this moment. Oh the countless number of people who have prayed and prayed for this very moment...and here we are living it. I stopped dreaming, because it hurt too much...and know looking at those big blue eyes soaking in life as a kid in school it feels so good. I really don't know if my heart has ever felt this good since this journey began. Camryn Lee ~ You have taught me more than I will ever teach you. You fight, survive, and love in a way that few people ever will be able too...you do life big and you do life well. I am humbled and honored to be your mom...I love you my best girl and I have never been more proud of you. You fought leukemia and you've won...You've won! I thank the Lord daily for blessing my life with you...your strength runs deeper than most adults and your story has woven throughout many people's lives. You matter and your life holds weight in this world. Learn, grow, and enjoy the journey...you have fought harder than most to get here. Live it, Love it, and beyond all else thank Jesus for doing what he does best...leave us amazed at who He is. You were made for the amazing my sweet girl. Love, Mommy Our baby started kindergarten...his life has always been marked by his sisters and his life has been viewed through the lens of what is okay for her. And now Wyatt has a world all his own. I cannot believe how old he is...I cannot believe I am watching him start a journey that will forever be different. Our boy is growing up...I wish he would slow down a bit. But, why? Wyatt has a world that he needs to explore, learn, and grow in...a world outside the world of leukmia, cancer, and a sick sister. He deserves to step out of that enormous shadow and live too... And so off to kindergarten he went.

He had a bit of a struggle getting settled in...I'll admit it is a bit crazy and chaotic the first day of school and if you know Wyatt well he doesn't do well with either one of those things. Plus, let's be honest Wyatt is shy...it takes a while, a long while for him to come out of his shell and frankly being thrust into school is simply not his deal. But, I held the tears in while he begged Jason and me to not make him do this...

Inasmuch as it was a struggle, it was absolute joy. Wyatt and Camryn were starting a journey together and I think he honestly feels so much more comfortable just knowing Cam is always there. Camryn has always been there and she has been the best friend in Wyatt's little world...and I really think starting school has him nervous, how do I function on my own. I have always felt a bit guilty for Wyatt's early years, so much of them were defined by Camryn's issues...always felt that he was missing out on so much. I have always hated watching Wyatt try to find himself in social situations, feeling like maybe it wouldn't be so hard on him if he had to do it at a young age...but, there is no going back. Wyatt is learning...and Wyatt is going to be okay.

Our baby...is in school, a new chapter is being written just by the fact that we no longer have kids at home. They are big kids, oh they are still little, but they have started a new journey. A journey that I am so thankful they are on...so thankful. When I picked them up after their first day there was a lump in my throat...Wyatt had made it through, he survived and as much as he doesn't want to go back he will and he will blossom and bloom into a kindergartener in no time. Wyatt Jason... How in the world are you ready for kindergarten? I remember vividly the day we heard the news that you were coming and even more the day that you came...how are we ready to start this new journey. You have always been my love letter from Jesus, you have always been his gentle reminder that the story is never over and that he is way ahead of us...that he knows our greatest need before we do. You my precious son have always been a saving grace for your momma's heart. You are shy, timid, and yet full of strength and courage...you live quietly and loud, but more than anything you live. I love you my precious boy...my bubba. You mean the world to me and I am so proud of you for starting school. Enjoy this new journey and I am thankful for each day when you grab my hand and we walk side by side. Thank you for being my love letter, Mommy