Honestly where does the time go? Seems like just yesterday that Camryn Lee came into our world...at 9:54am on April 12, 2004. Our lives changed that day, changed in so many ways...we became parents of a darling baby girl...she became our world.
For 21 months we watched Camryn grow and develop in so many ways, she was our little sweetheart and we loved her with every ounce of our heart.
Then something changed...not our choosing, but Camryn became a child with cancer; and when that happens your perspective of days becomes entirely different. Each passing month became full of meaning...every moment. Camryn turning two, three, four and with each passing birthday there was hope that she was beating this cancer and she was living...and it looked as if we were making our way to five without a hitch.
You see five just seemed to be a right of passage if you will...leaving toddler, preschool life behind and becoming a school age kid. Beginning to step into another phase, stage and we've anticipated this day for a long time.
And today came...
Not quite like we had envisioned...but, it came even though we thought we'd be moving forward with the coming of five. We are now watching Camryn again fight the fight of her life...no, not quite what we envisioned.
Today we decided to take Camryn to her most favorite place in the whole wide world...Disneyland. Camryn was so excited to wear her birthday button and have cast members say, "Happy Birthday" all day...she could hardly wait.
I won't lie, I was a bit torn about not going to church and doing all the Easter things that I've always done...but, this year it just felt different. I was sad to not have Easter my way...I know it's selfish, but I wanted Easter the way I'd envisioned it. But, when Camryn relapsed and things shifted dramatically so did our plans. Since Camryn's levels are holding well her doctors gave her the go ahead to celebrate her birthday at Disneyland...so that became our Easter...celebrating the life of our dear sweet girl and the Lord who makes life possible.
Camryn had a blast, she enjoyed every second of her day and it was a treasure to watch her just enjoy the life she had today. We were a family of four celebrating the life of our Camryn...yes, today was exactly what we needed. To celebrate her life, not dwell on the other stuff...but for one day just celebrate her.
We ate food, shopped, rode rides, watched parades...yes, it was a full day. We are tired, very tired...but, it will be a birthday we will never forget. **I'll post pictures tomorrow, a bit too tired today.**
Camryn Lee,
You never cease to amaze your Daddy and me...you are enduring things that you don't deserve and oh sweet baby girl we wish we could change it. We wish we could make it all go away...but, we can't. So we trust you to Jesus' hands, we hand you over knowing that He intimately created you, He loves you and His hands are better equipped than ours to hold you. We have loved you well and we will continue too for always...you have taught us much in your five years of life and I thank you. I am proud of you Camryn, your Daddy and I both are. You are a little girl of strength and determination...you fight and you push and at times it drives us crazy. But it keeps you going...you push us to keep going.
Our sweet girl you have a gift...you make people feel so special with you. You love people deeply and dearly...you cherish time spent with your family and friends. Keep loving those around you...keep giving to them, filling their hearts with a love which is amazing.
We are proud of you...we count ourselves most richly blessed to call you our daughter...our sweet little girl.
You mean so much to us...
Love,
Daddy and Mommy
You see tonight I tucked in my five year old and wondered where the time went...and my prayer is that on April 12, 2010 I will tuck in my six year old and admire the strength that got her through this fight...
You can do it baby girl...you've done it before...you're doing it now...and you'll do it again.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
renewal
Easter...the time of year for renewal, the time of year when the world seems to be a little more alive. After the season of winter the renewal of spring of Easter comes.
The last few days have been hard, I'm finding that it's a whole lot harder walking this road a second time. I know what's coming and I know what much of it means; and it's scary at times. I was talking with Jason last night with tears on my cheeks about the first time around...
The first time around there was a hope given in the midst of the circumstances we found ourselves...a new baby was coming. Inasmuch as it was hard to be pregnant and dealing with a child with cancer, there was an unsaid hopefulness of the new life coming. I won't lie it was extremely hard to deal with both emotions of fighting for life and new life coming...conflicting emotions.
This time the hopefulness isn't as tangible...yes, hope is there. It's always there...we love and believe in a risen Saviour and hope is endless in Him. But, in the tangible ways that I can see every day...it's a little harder.
And then Easter comes...
Today we spent the day at my sister's house enjoying some Wilson family traditions. We ate good food, opened Easter baskets, had an Easter egg hunt and enjoyed our day together. It was wonderful...truly, wonderful.
On the ride out to my sister's I was gazing out the window of the car at the big blue sky with white puffy clouds and I wondered at the beauty of it all. A beautiful day of life...that's the hope.
The hope of tomorrow...the hope of a risen Saviour making it possible for us to spend eternity with Him.
As I continued to gaze out the window the thought kept coming...for me, He died for me.
For me...in the midst of the circumstances that we are living, the tears that are cried, the worries, the anxiousness...He died for me. It's a personal death inasmuch as it is a personal reserrection. He lives for me...He lives in relationship with me...not in the past, nor in the future; but today. He walks with me today.
So, as we enjoyed our day together I couldn't shake that this is for me...not selfishly, because it was for all of us. But, that my relationship with Him is personal, intimate and mine.
My heart is a bit more renewed than it was earlier this week, a little lighter and I thank Him...thank Him for dying for me and living for me and renewing me.
Here's a few pics of our day...
Camryn showing off her finds...
Wyatt doing his hunting
Camryn takes her Easter hunts seriously
Caleb, Josh, Makenna, Camryn & Wyatt...LOVE these kids
The Dynamic Duo
Wyatt and Makenna...they are best of friends
Our darling Easter girl
May each of you have a blessed Easter holiday full of hope and renewal...may you hug those you love tightly and thank the Lord for his many blessings.
The blessings of renewal...
The last few days have been hard, I'm finding that it's a whole lot harder walking this road a second time. I know what's coming and I know what much of it means; and it's scary at times. I was talking with Jason last night with tears on my cheeks about the first time around...
The first time around there was a hope given in the midst of the circumstances we found ourselves...a new baby was coming. Inasmuch as it was hard to be pregnant and dealing with a child with cancer, there was an unsaid hopefulness of the new life coming. I won't lie it was extremely hard to deal with both emotions of fighting for life and new life coming...conflicting emotions.
This time the hopefulness isn't as tangible...yes, hope is there. It's always there...we love and believe in a risen Saviour and hope is endless in Him. But, in the tangible ways that I can see every day...it's a little harder.
And then Easter comes...
Today we spent the day at my sister's house enjoying some Wilson family traditions. We ate good food, opened Easter baskets, had an Easter egg hunt and enjoyed our day together. It was wonderful...truly, wonderful.
On the ride out to my sister's I was gazing out the window of the car at the big blue sky with white puffy clouds and I wondered at the beauty of it all. A beautiful day of life...that's the hope.
The hope of tomorrow...the hope of a risen Saviour making it possible for us to spend eternity with Him.
As I continued to gaze out the window the thought kept coming...for me, He died for me.
For me...in the midst of the circumstances that we are living, the tears that are cried, the worries, the anxiousness...He died for me. It's a personal death inasmuch as it is a personal reserrection. He lives for me...He lives in relationship with me...not in the past, nor in the future; but today. He walks with me today.
So, as we enjoyed our day together I couldn't shake that this is for me...not selfishly, because it was for all of us. But, that my relationship with Him is personal, intimate and mine.
My heart is a bit more renewed than it was earlier this week, a little lighter and I thank Him...thank Him for dying for me and living for me and renewing me.
Here's a few pics of our day...
Camryn showing off her finds...
Wyatt doing his hunting
Camryn takes her Easter hunts seriously
Caleb, Josh, Makenna, Camryn & Wyatt...LOVE these kids
The Dynamic Duo
Wyatt and Makenna...they are best of friends
Our darling Easter girl
May each of you have a blessed Easter holiday full of hope and renewal...may you hug those you love tightly and thank the Lord for his many blessings.
The blessings of renewal...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
tuesdays...
I've come to love Tuesdays, they used to be just another day in my life week...but, now they are so much more, well meaningful. Not that my daily life wasn't meaningful, it was and quite frankly there is a huge void from me missing my daily life; but now Tuesdays are the days when we see Camryn's doctors and see her levels.
Today Jason was off work so he took Camryn down to clinic and gave me the morning off so to speak...I got to spend the morning with Wyatt. Wyatt and I had fun...we slept in, snuggled in bed, watched Thomas the Tank Engine, ate breakfast, went to the park to play, and then met Camryn and Daddy for lunch. The time with Wyatt was so special to me, I really enjoyed just being with him...although I found myself thinking thoughts that I've never thought before. As we were at the park I avoided talking to the other moms, because quite frankly I didn't want to talk to other moms...I didn't want to say I have 2 kids and that one is at the hospital receiving chemotherapy. I guess I didn't want to make it awkward for them...because I know it's awkward for me.
I see little kids running and laughing and I looked at my watch and realized that in that very moment arsenic was running through my daughter's veins to save her life...it was weird to wrestle with emotions.
Wyatt and I met Camryn and Daddy for lunch and it was nice...Camryn bounced out of the car and was just so alive. She amazes me, really she just leaves me speechless sometimes...I feel like she should be so very sick. And she is, she has cancer...she is not in remission...but, don't tell Camryn that. She is living her life daily to the fullest! And it's wonderful...
After lunch Camryn and Wyatt headed over to my parent's house to color Easter eggs and just hang out with Grandma and Papa. I came home to help Jason clean out our garage...yes, a task I could do without. I seriously look at the garage as out of sight, out of mind...but I know it matters to Jason so I got to work. We worked throughout the afternoon and it was nice to feel a sense of accomplishment, to get something done.
I picked the kids up as Uncle Robby, Auntie Dede and Riley were coming over to hang out tonight...eat pizza...play the Wii. We had lots of fun...I especially enjoy watching Wyatt and Riley, they just make my heart smile. As always it was nice to be with the Mikels...we sure do love them.
Our day was full...very full, but very blessed. I am thankful for our days and the journey that brings up through each one...would I like the circumstances to change? You betcha. But, they haven't...and quite frankly they may never change.
Today at clinic Jason talked with Dr.M, we had not talked with Dr.M since Camryn's last aspiration and we anxious to hear his take on things as Dr.M is Camryn's "lead" doctor. Dr.M explained more fully wanting the percentage of leukemia cells less and why...which all makes sense to us. As of right now we will continue with 4 weeks of arsenic and then another aspiration probably the first week of May. Depending on how that looks it will go one of two ways...if her aspiration shows a plateaued percentage, meaning that the arsenic really hasn't changed anything then we'll go to transplant. If her aspiration shows a decline in the percentage of leukemia cells then if it is below 5% then we'll go to transplant, if not...4 more weeks of arsenic.
The doctors want the BEST possible scenario for Camryn's transplant...they want as much of that dang disease to be gone as possible. And if the arsenic is killing it, well then let it work.
I won't lie...it feels very weird to feel like it will be 4 weeks...now 8 weeks...to even think of 12 weeks before transplant completely amazes me. I feel like the road just keeps getting longer, but honestly I guess the road will never get shorter...this is a long road.
The Lord is reminding me that He is constantly in every detail...every one. He is found in the beauty of the world, He is found in the love of my family, He is found in everything...although sometimes I just don't see it.
I wish my vision wasn't so blurred right now...but, I will continue to hold on to what I know...
I know He is good...
After all two weeks off of arsenic and Camryn's levels are really good...they are holding well.
Yes, He is good...
Today as a little boy climbed and went on the swings, I smiled wondering if anyone there would guess that he is a bone marrow transplant donor.
He is good...
Tonight as I watched Wyatt and Riley in the bath I wondered at the journey of these two and just smiled...
The Lord holds us in His goodness...
He can be trusted...He loves us more than we can comprehend...He gave His own so that we could have life...
How good is that?
Today Jason was off work so he took Camryn down to clinic and gave me the morning off so to speak...I got to spend the morning with Wyatt. Wyatt and I had fun...we slept in, snuggled in bed, watched Thomas the Tank Engine, ate breakfast, went to the park to play, and then met Camryn and Daddy for lunch. The time with Wyatt was so special to me, I really enjoyed just being with him...although I found myself thinking thoughts that I've never thought before. As we were at the park I avoided talking to the other moms, because quite frankly I didn't want to talk to other moms...I didn't want to say I have 2 kids and that one is at the hospital receiving chemotherapy. I guess I didn't want to make it awkward for them...because I know it's awkward for me.
I see little kids running and laughing and I looked at my watch and realized that in that very moment arsenic was running through my daughter's veins to save her life...it was weird to wrestle with emotions.
Wyatt and I met Camryn and Daddy for lunch and it was nice...Camryn bounced out of the car and was just so alive. She amazes me, really she just leaves me speechless sometimes...I feel like she should be so very sick. And she is, she has cancer...she is not in remission...but, don't tell Camryn that. She is living her life daily to the fullest! And it's wonderful...
After lunch Camryn and Wyatt headed over to my parent's house to color Easter eggs and just hang out with Grandma and Papa. I came home to help Jason clean out our garage...yes, a task I could do without. I seriously look at the garage as out of sight, out of mind...but I know it matters to Jason so I got to work. We worked throughout the afternoon and it was nice to feel a sense of accomplishment, to get something done.
I picked the kids up as Uncle Robby, Auntie Dede and Riley were coming over to hang out tonight...eat pizza...play the Wii. We had lots of fun...I especially enjoy watching Wyatt and Riley, they just make my heart smile. As always it was nice to be with the Mikels...we sure do love them.
Our day was full...very full, but very blessed. I am thankful for our days and the journey that brings up through each one...would I like the circumstances to change? You betcha. But, they haven't...and quite frankly they may never change.
Today at clinic Jason talked with Dr.M, we had not talked with Dr.M since Camryn's last aspiration and we anxious to hear his take on things as Dr.M is Camryn's "lead" doctor. Dr.M explained more fully wanting the percentage of leukemia cells less and why...which all makes sense to us. As of right now we will continue with 4 weeks of arsenic and then another aspiration probably the first week of May. Depending on how that looks it will go one of two ways...if her aspiration shows a plateaued percentage, meaning that the arsenic really hasn't changed anything then we'll go to transplant. If her aspiration shows a decline in the percentage of leukemia cells then if it is below 5% then we'll go to transplant, if not...4 more weeks of arsenic.
The doctors want the BEST possible scenario for Camryn's transplant...they want as much of that dang disease to be gone as possible. And if the arsenic is killing it, well then let it work.
I won't lie...it feels very weird to feel like it will be 4 weeks...now 8 weeks...to even think of 12 weeks before transplant completely amazes me. I feel like the road just keeps getting longer, but honestly I guess the road will never get shorter...this is a long road.
The Lord is reminding me that He is constantly in every detail...every one. He is found in the beauty of the world, He is found in the love of my family, He is found in everything...although sometimes I just don't see it.
I wish my vision wasn't so blurred right now...but, I will continue to hold on to what I know...
I know He is good...
After all two weeks off of arsenic and Camryn's levels are really good...they are holding well.
Yes, He is good...
Today as a little boy climbed and went on the swings, I smiled wondering if anyone there would guess that he is a bone marrow transplant donor.
He is good...
Tonight as I watched Wyatt and Riley in the bath I wondered at the journey of these two and just smiled...
The Lord holds us in His goodness...
I cry out for your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak, and I need your love to free me
Oh Lord my Rock
My strength in weakness
Come rescue me Oh Lord
You are my hope
Your promise never fails me
And my desire is to follow you forever
For you are good
For you are good
For you are good to me
He can be trusted...He loves us more than we can comprehend...He gave His own so that we could have life...
How good is that?
Monday, April 6, 2009
the birthday party
Sunday was the day...Camryn's birthday is on Easter Sunday this year and forever ago I decided that Palm Sunday would make a nice "Easter" party day. Well, Palm Sunday did not disappoint...
Camryn wanted to have an Easter party in every way...eggs, baskets, candy, balloons, colors...all of it. What fun we had enjoying our family and our close friends that are like family...just celebrating the life of a little girl that leaves me in awe. Yesterday if you happened to pass our front yard you would have seen kids running, playing, laughing and enjoying life. And among those kids you would find an almost 5 year old girl with short hair and if you looked very closely you might catch a glimpse of her bandage from her central line; but otherwise there is nothing that makes Camryn stand out from the rest. She is a child who loves the life she has been given, every bit of it. Oh I'm sure if she were older she would probably argue that she could do without cancer...yeah, I'm pretty sure she would give that away. But, her life outside of that part...well, she LOVES it.
She loves her family...she loves her life...here's a few of the pics of our day.
The Birthday Girl
Wyatt and Grandpa
The Kids
Happy Birthday Camryn
Camryn LOVED her Pablo card
Jackson doing The Superman
Wy & Ry...these two are the best of friends
Happy Birthday Sweet Girl
Wyatt & James
Thanks to the many people who encouraged me throughout the days leading up to Camryn's party, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I won't lie I had difficulty getting to Sunday...many tears shed, but the day itself was amazing. I enjoyed it very much, loved seeing Camryn just enjoy her family, to celebrate the 5 years of life...
And dream?
Dream of more to come...dream of life, whatever that life might look like. To celebrate the life Camryn's been given and to cherish that...even if it's difficult, even if it's hard...to celebrate.
My favorite holiday of all is Easter, as a little girl I loved picking out my Easter dress, shoes and getting all dolled up for church. Easter baskets, candy, eggs...yep, I'm a sucker for all the traditional Easter stuff. But you know what...I love Easter for what it means. The glory of it all...the Resurrection...the hope.
When I stop and consider this week, Easter week and all that it means for me as a Christian and lover of my Lord I cannot help but consider the emotional journey Jesus was on this week. From the triumphal entry, His last words, the Last Supper, the weeping in the garden, the beating, the cross...the emotional range of Jesus' heart in as much divine was also human. He cried real tears...His heart ached...He had anguish...He was broken, bruised...and yet, He took the steps necessary to endure the cross.
The journey from Friday to Sunday is one that I cherish...the beauty of the cross, the scandalous nature of the Son of God crucified for sinners, for me...and yet, the glory to come. The glory of Easter morning...He is alive.
Easter holds immeasurable hope for the lost...hope for me. So, I only think it is fitting that this year Camryn's birthday falls on Easter Sunday. There is hope...there is an ending in glory. Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be moments of utter confusion...remember the disciples running, scared and hiding? But, oh the glory...oh the glory of the empty tomb...the glory of our Saviour's face.
I serve a risen Lord...and I will continue too. For I know that even in the moments of despair, He cares, He is there. For He knows the pain of life...and of death...
But, oh the glory of hope.
May we celebrate the lives God has given us and the hope that lies ahead...
Our home eternal.
Camryn wanted to have an Easter party in every way...eggs, baskets, candy, balloons, colors...all of it. What fun we had enjoying our family and our close friends that are like family...just celebrating the life of a little girl that leaves me in awe. Yesterday if you happened to pass our front yard you would have seen kids running, playing, laughing and enjoying life. And among those kids you would find an almost 5 year old girl with short hair and if you looked very closely you might catch a glimpse of her bandage from her central line; but otherwise there is nothing that makes Camryn stand out from the rest. She is a child who loves the life she has been given, every bit of it. Oh I'm sure if she were older she would probably argue that she could do without cancer...yeah, I'm pretty sure she would give that away. But, her life outside of that part...well, she LOVES it.
She loves her family...she loves her life...here's a few of the pics of our day.
The Birthday Girl
Wyatt and Grandpa
The Kids
Happy Birthday Camryn
Camryn LOVED her Pablo card
Jackson doing The Superman
Wy & Ry...these two are the best of friends
Happy Birthday Sweet Girl
Wyatt & James
Thanks to the many people who encouraged me throughout the days leading up to Camryn's party, I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I won't lie I had difficulty getting to Sunday...many tears shed, but the day itself was amazing. I enjoyed it very much, loved seeing Camryn just enjoy her family, to celebrate the 5 years of life...
And dream?
Dream of more to come...dream of life, whatever that life might look like. To celebrate the life Camryn's been given and to cherish that...even if it's difficult, even if it's hard...to celebrate.
My favorite holiday of all is Easter, as a little girl I loved picking out my Easter dress, shoes and getting all dolled up for church. Easter baskets, candy, eggs...yep, I'm a sucker for all the traditional Easter stuff. But you know what...I love Easter for what it means. The glory of it all...the Resurrection...the hope.
When I stop and consider this week, Easter week and all that it means for me as a Christian and lover of my Lord I cannot help but consider the emotional journey Jesus was on this week. From the triumphal entry, His last words, the Last Supper, the weeping in the garden, the beating, the cross...the emotional range of Jesus' heart in as much divine was also human. He cried real tears...His heart ached...He had anguish...He was broken, bruised...and yet, He took the steps necessary to endure the cross.
The journey from Friday to Sunday is one that I cherish...the beauty of the cross, the scandalous nature of the Son of God crucified for sinners, for me...and yet, the glory to come. The glory of Easter morning...He is alive.
Easter holds immeasurable hope for the lost...hope for me. So, I only think it is fitting that this year Camryn's birthday falls on Easter Sunday. There is hope...there is an ending in glory. Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be moments of utter confusion...remember the disciples running, scared and hiding? But, oh the glory...oh the glory of the empty tomb...the glory of our Saviour's face.
"...Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death - even death on a cross. Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bed, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."~Philippians 2:5 - 11
I serve a risen Lord...and I will continue too. For I know that even in the moments of despair, He cares, He is there. For He knows the pain of life...and of death...
But, oh the glory of hope.
May we celebrate the lives God has given us and the hope that lies ahead...
Our home eternal.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
cracked vision...broken dreams
Today I began to see it...I began to see why I have really been struggling the last few days. I mean it's been a struggle since February of 09, no really February of 06 for that matter. As I began to really see it, as feelings came into focus as they were swirling around within me; I felt as though I was dealing with shattered pieces of myself...
We are celebrating Camryn's 5th birthday tomorrow and honestly that one event has got me lurking in the shadows. I won't lie, Camryn turning 5 was a very big deal to me...I say was because attached to 5 was that we'd made it through post-transplant stuff to get her to 5 and ready for school. All throughout our journey through leukemia the first time I kept holding on to 5...let's get to five and maybe then Camryn could partake in a normal childhood.
Now, that's gone...
Gone for good...you see Camryn turning 5 isn't quite what I had envisioned, it isn't nearly what I had hoped for.
Tonight Jason and I were talking and I was sobbing...trying to put words to my thoughts. But, we really saw something as we talked...something that I really began to see what the last few days have been so incredibly difficult.
I don't know what to dream...
As a mother you dream big dreams for your children...you plan, you hope, you do all of that. You imagine their future...you imagine the steps they will take...the friendships they will make and all those things...
And right now I don't know what to dream...
You see I had all those dreams for Camryn, after walking through 2006 I had finally come to the place of allowing myself to trust and believe and dream again. And now it's gone. So, I left wondering what do you dream now?
Jason said it best..."we dream simply for life."
Yes, we are dreaming for life...breaths...for tomorrow. As simplistic as that sounds it's all we can dream for now...I wish I could dream bigger dreams. I wish I could allow my heart to let go and dream big again, but I can't. You see with 5 approaching I'm having to let go of all that I had for her...and it hurts.
I told Jason tonight that the only birthday party that we've had with Camryn without leukemia looming over us was her first birthday...every birthday since has been marked in some way by leukemia. I guess that's why I was so excited for 5...ever since we found out her birthday was actually on Easter this year we've been dreaming, planning and it was fun.
We had plans of a big Easter egg hunt with family and friends...our big extended family and our friends, Camryn's friends she has made while being in the world again. Well, we still will have an Easter egg hunt, but the guest list is much smaller...which is okay. Just another reminder that things are just not what we thought they would be.
~ Max Lucado
That's exactly how I feel...my dreams have been shattered, the window of my heart is splintered in a thousand different pieces. The pebble cracked the window in 2006 and another on in 2009...guess my window is doubly shattered you could say.
I can see God...I can feel God and I trust God with it all. Yes, with all of it. But, he is harder to see...He is harder to feel...it's just harder. But, oh so much deeper.
Through my shattered window a depth has come in my relationship with the Lord that can only be marked with a shattered window...because it's simply not easy. Life just isn't easy...and the redefining happens and right now I feel as though the Lord is leading me to redefine everything.
And I mean everything...hopes, dreams, expectations, all of it...and it's hard to let go.
I know and believe that even in my tears, my frustrations, my cries He will meet me and even if my view is altered...HE will never be.
He is the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow....
Guess maybe my dreams don't matter anymore...for maybe tomorrow's dream is eternity.
We are celebrating Camryn's 5th birthday tomorrow and honestly that one event has got me lurking in the shadows. I won't lie, Camryn turning 5 was a very big deal to me...I say was because attached to 5 was that we'd made it through post-transplant stuff to get her to 5 and ready for school. All throughout our journey through leukemia the first time I kept holding on to 5...let's get to five and maybe then Camryn could partake in a normal childhood.
Now, that's gone...
Gone for good...you see Camryn turning 5 isn't quite what I had envisioned, it isn't nearly what I had hoped for.
Tonight Jason and I were talking and I was sobbing...trying to put words to my thoughts. But, we really saw something as we talked...something that I really began to see what the last few days have been so incredibly difficult.
I don't know what to dream...
As a mother you dream big dreams for your children...you plan, you hope, you do all of that. You imagine their future...you imagine the steps they will take...the friendships they will make and all those things...
And right now I don't know what to dream...
You see I had all those dreams for Camryn, after walking through 2006 I had finally come to the place of allowing myself to trust and believe and dream again. And now it's gone. So, I left wondering what do you dream now?
Jason said it best..."we dream simply for life."
Yes, we are dreaming for life...breaths...for tomorrow. As simplistic as that sounds it's all we can dream for now...I wish I could dream bigger dreams. I wish I could allow my heart to let go and dream big again, but I can't. You see with 5 approaching I'm having to let go of all that I had for her...and it hurts.
I told Jason tonight that the only birthday party that we've had with Camryn without leukemia looming over us was her first birthday...every birthday since has been marked in some way by leukemia. I guess that's why I was so excited for 5...ever since we found out her birthday was actually on Easter this year we've been dreaming, planning and it was fun.
We had plans of a big Easter egg hunt with family and friends...our big extended family and our friends, Camryn's friends she has made while being in the world again. Well, we still will have an Easter egg hunt, but the guest list is much smaller...which is okay. Just another reminder that things are just not what we thought they would be.
There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. The glass was clean, the pane unbroken.
You knew God. You knew how he worked. You knew what he wanted you to do. No surprises. Nothing unexpected. You knew God had a will, and you continually discovered what it was.
Then suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.
Perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. Maybe the rock hit in adolescence when your heart was broken. Maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. But then the pebble came.
Was it a phone call? "We have your daughter at the station. You'd better come down."
Was it a letter on the kitchen table? "I've left. Don't try to reach me. Don't try to call me. It's over. I just don't love you anymore."
Was it a diagnosis from the doctor? "I'm afraid our news is not very good."
Was it a telegram? "We regret to inform you that your son is missing in action."
Whatever the pebbles form, the result was the same - a shattered window. The pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. The crash echoed down the halls of your heart. Cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.
And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed. You turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. It was hard to see him through the pain. It was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt.
You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? Tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the One you had seen, were they? Had you been fooled? Had you been blind?
The moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. From then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. Before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. After your pain, well, he was harder to see. He seemed a bit distant...harder to perceive. Your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it, but distorted it.
Maybe these words don't describe your situation. There are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. Most of us do.
Most of us know what it means to feel disappointed by God.
Most of us have a way of completing this sentence: "If God is God, then..." Call it an agenda, a divine job description. Each of us has an unspoken, yet definitive, expectation of what God should do. "If God is God, then..."
* There will be no financial collapse in my family
* My children will never be buried before me.
* People will treat me fairly
* This church will never divide
* My prayer will be answered
There are not articulated criteria. They are not written down or notarized. But they are real. They define the expectations we have of God. And when pain comes into our world - when the careening pebble splinters the window of our hearts - these expectations go unmet and doubts may begin to surface.
We look for God, but can't find him. Fragmented glass hinders our vision. He is enlarged through this piece and reduced through that one. Lines jigsaw their way across his face. Large sections of shattered glass opaque the view.
And now you aren't quite sure what you see.
~ Max Lucado
That's exactly how I feel...my dreams have been shattered, the window of my heart is splintered in a thousand different pieces. The pebble cracked the window in 2006 and another on in 2009...guess my window is doubly shattered you could say.
I can see God...I can feel God and I trust God with it all. Yes, with all of it. But, he is harder to see...He is harder to feel...it's just harder. But, oh so much deeper.
Through my shattered window a depth has come in my relationship with the Lord that can only be marked with a shattered window...because it's simply not easy. Life just isn't easy...and the redefining happens and right now I feel as though the Lord is leading me to redefine everything.
And I mean everything...hopes, dreams, expectations, all of it...and it's hard to let go.
I know and believe that even in my tears, my frustrations, my cries He will meet me and even if my view is altered...HE will never be.
He is the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow....
Guess maybe my dreams don't matter anymore...for maybe tomorrow's dream is eternity.
Friday, April 3, 2009
tears...
The tears have flowed freely that last two days, not sure what it is...
But being a parent of a child with cancer just rips your heart in two...
And right now my heart just aches...
But being a parent of a child with cancer just rips your heart in two...
And right now my heart just aches...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
therapy
Anxiousness gives way to craziness...
Actually these past few days I have been partaking in therapy, not the kind you pay for; the kind you set you mind to in order to "work" some things out. My house has been my palette for therapy, seriously I am going crazy trying to clean it, organize it, just do anything I can to it inside and out.
I feel like I have to do something with all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, worries, anxiousness, etc...that build up inside of me. I have to find an outlet or quite seriously my mind might go crazy.
Today while I was driving I just teared up amazed that we really are going through transplant...really? Sometimes I see that little girl riding her bike and loving life and it kills me that there is a hell that awaits her. I want to grab her and run away and pray to God that this disease will leave her alone. I see her smile and I just want this nightmare to be over...but I know it's only really beginning.
It hurts...
I guess that's why I need therapy...but, the real therapy is what God has for me. The dialogues throughout the day...the moments when I want this whole thing to end...the tears that fall, all of it. He meets me in all of it, every single bit of it.
So my house is clean and my heart is aching; but I guess that's me finding an outlet for this heartache I feel.
Praying the Lord will continue to be with us as Monday we start another 4 weeks of arsenic treatment...but, before that that He will be with us as we celebrate Camryn's 5th birthday this Sunday with her party. Her actual birthday is on Easter...so may He allow us the grace to celebrate her life, and not worry too much about the future.
At least not too much...
Actually these past few days I have been partaking in therapy, not the kind you pay for; the kind you set you mind to in order to "work" some things out. My house has been my palette for therapy, seriously I am going crazy trying to clean it, organize it, just do anything I can to it inside and out.
I feel like I have to do something with all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, worries, anxiousness, etc...that build up inside of me. I have to find an outlet or quite seriously my mind might go crazy.
Today while I was driving I just teared up amazed that we really are going through transplant...really? Sometimes I see that little girl riding her bike and loving life and it kills me that there is a hell that awaits her. I want to grab her and run away and pray to God that this disease will leave her alone. I see her smile and I just want this nightmare to be over...but I know it's only really beginning.
It hurts...
I guess that's why I need therapy...but, the real therapy is what God has for me. The dialogues throughout the day...the moments when I want this whole thing to end...the tears that fall, all of it. He meets me in all of it, every single bit of it.
So my house is clean and my heart is aching; but I guess that's me finding an outlet for this heartache I feel.
Praying the Lord will continue to be with us as Monday we start another 4 weeks of arsenic treatment...but, before that that He will be with us as we celebrate Camryn's 5th birthday this Sunday with her party. Her actual birthday is on Easter...so may He allow us the grace to celebrate her life, and not worry too much about the future.
At least not too much...
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