remembering...

Four year ago today we brought our little survivor home from her first transplant to see her eight week old brother...now they are six and four and I am wondering where did the time go?

This very questions has occupied my mind today. I can remember the day like it was just yesterday...Camryn in her little black Crocs, Mickey Mouse mask, princess t-shirt, little black pants running out the doors of the old hospital at UCLA. I remember the day well...

I remember being scared to death to take Camryn home and yet so excited to take Camryn home. I had no idea just how hard isolated life would be, how could I? And I didn't know what it would be like to have my two kids under one roof again...after all we had less than a month of our two kids home together before Camryn went in to the hospital. I remember the day we were admitted and I had no idea what to expect and the day we came home still not knowing what to expect. I remember thinking oh how I wish this was a dream...

But it wasn't. We had a very sick little girl who was just two-and-a-half and a little boy who was just born...I remember tears and tears. Trying desperately to understand why and battling to balance the emotions of a new life and a life that felt as though it could slip away at any moment.

Even though it was four years ago, I can take myself back there in no time at all...

"In this life, many of your questions will simply not have answers. But through it all, God himself will never change. This is why our faith must rest on his identity and not necessarily his activity."

~ Pete Wilson

Over the course of the moments, days, and years I have literally cried my way through asking question after question...demanding answers that I have yet to receive. And the above quote jumped off the page, because it is so true.

My one answer that has consistently come is that He will not change. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever...and my heart can rest there. Period.

I have to constantly remember this...because if I'm honest sometimes my heart forgets. It forgets who it loves most, it forgets what great things that love has done, and it neglects that love...but, yet that love pursues me, remembers me, and knows me.

"If you place your faith in what God does, you'd better prepare yourself for frustration and disappointment because you're never going to figure out God's ways this side of heaven. That's because God is God! As he told the prophet Isaiah...

Just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isa. 55:9)

Why are you going through what you're going through? I don't know.
Is what you're doing God's will for your life? I don't know.
Will it be over soon? I don't know.
You may not know either. You may never know...

...And who is he?
He is the God who is faithful. The God who keeps his promises. The God who is with us every moment and is in the process of working all things for good. Even in our whiplash moments. Even when the bottom seems to be falling out and bad news sets our heads to spinning.
Even in the midst of a Plan B, you really have only one task, one calling.
And that is to do what you would do if you were confident God was with you."

~ Pete Wilson

I have to remember, because remembering four years ago helps the my heart today.