it's that time again...

It's a Tuesday, so that must mean a clinic appointment for Miss Camryn Lee.

Camryn and Jason headed out early this morning, trying their best to beat some of the California crazy drivers in the rain. But, to no avail...it took them quite awhile to get to clinic. Ugh! Sometimes I am ever so thankful that UCLA isn't too far, I mean we have some UCLA friends that travel from Bakersfield, so I guess perspective is everything, right?

Anyways, they made it and they got to see Dr.M today...which was nice, since we hadn't seen him in a couple months. Dr.M again agreed with everyone that Camryn "looks good", "seems good" and he is very pleased with her progress. He was especially pleased that her mouth sores seem to be healing up quite nicely and as he said, "her mouth looks much better." Yay! Dr.M does not want to change anything at this point, he is pretty confident and settled on where Camryn is at this moment...so no changes in meds. The only possible change would be to continue her tacrolimus wean, but they would wait for blood levels and see.

Again Camryn did super, duper with her blood draw, not a tear, not a peep. Really, she is quite amazing and at times I just have to stop and remember all that she's endured and my momentary physical aliments are really nothing. She's a champ for sure!

Camryn's labs came back great, which is never taken for granted. Yes, even after almost five years Jason and I both look over the labs sheets. Is it crazy that we know where normal white counts, hemoglobin, hematocrit, and platelet levels are? I guess not too crazy...so Jason and I chat about the levels and always breath deeply when we see that they are normal. Well, normal for Camryn that is.

Once Camryn and Jason made it home from clinic they met my parents and Wyatt at their special spot and off Jason went to work and Camryn for a fun day with her best friend.

When I got to my parents house to pick the kids up after school they were having lots of fun playing and playing...and for a moment it does not seem that this is the same little girl who has a file at UCLA inches thick, or a team of doctors, or is a regular so to speak with hemotologists and oncologists. Really, Camryn is doing great. And that is enough, more than enough.

I won't lie had a bit of a hard time this past weekend as October is just so full of memories...it was four years ago tomorrow that Camryn had her first transplant, it was two years ago that we began to notice something is wrong, little did we know how wrong.

Tears met me and there are days when they just come, because after all this journey is long and the moments are full with meaning. I wish so badly at times that for a moment we could be without the past looming, but that is not to be. So we learn to place it the only place where it can even be dealt with...in our Savior's hands.

I will admit that I would like to take it back again and again and sometimes I do. If I'm honest I am scared...terrified of the what ifs, what might come tomorrow, relapses and just illness. Fear is crippling, really it is...

This past Friday I had the opportunity to talk with a group of high school students about living in Plan B...ironic huh? I guess you could say for the past almost five years we are in a permanent state of Plan B. But, the one thought that the Lord kept knocking on my heart with is the idea of fear...being afraid of the unknowns, being afraid that it just may not be this way or that way. I guess after the world has collapsed it's hard trusting that it won't collapse again.

So it's that time again...really over and over, to lay my sweet baby girl at my Savior's feet knowing that He loves her infiniately more than I do. And trusting in that perfect love...I don't know what the future holds, but I do know for today Camryn does not go back to clinic until November 23rd, five whole weeks. Amazing.

It's that time again...