end of june...

A year ago we started a journey that quite honestly I did not know where it would lead. Camryn came home on June 29th of last year and so it has been a complete year of being home.

A long year...

A blessed year...

A hard year...

A hopeful year...

Camryn and Wyatt have grown throughout this year and I am so incredibly thankful for what the Lord has given to me as their mommy. I am grateful for being on the other side of the year...

This year has stretched me to a degree that I did not know was possible and yet I know there is much growth that needs to continue. Isn't that the nature of our walk with our Saviour...growing, learning, pruning, breaking, molding. Again and again the images of a potter with the clay...

When I was in college I took a ceramics class, it was a challenge...I barely survived the wheel. Throwing pot after pot...trying to get the feel of the clay in my hands, desperately wanting the clay to just do what I wanted...forcing, too much pressure. The clay was able to move as I directed it, but I became impatient. Hopeful that maybe in some ways I would become a master potter...but, that never happened.

I struggled to throw 6 cyclinders that would be cut in half to see if each side was equal...in some way to prove that I had mastered it. I would go night after night pleading with my clay to just be...

Funny how I feel now that my potter is pleading with my heart...

Just be.

A year behind us, a year ahead of us. We are not entirely sure what Camryn's school year looks like. We are not sure of the next step with her line or her Lovenox. We are hopeful that in the next year more and more of life will come.

But the potter is quietly whispering...

Just be.

Be still...and know that I am God.

struggling sunday...

Not sure why, but just about every Sunday a flood of emotions rage in me. And today is no different.

Part of it is that I'm not feeling well, battling a massive headache that seems to ebb and flow. One minute I can wash a few dishes and fold a bit of laundry; the next minute I can barely see straight...yeah, it's not so fun.

And part of it is the constant reminders that Sunday brings...life is not what it was. I cannot escape it no matter how hard I try, and believe me I try. It has been 18 months since our family has gone to church together regularly. Oh we've attended the a few services here and there for special reasons, but the consistent church-going is not a part of our lives at this time. Jason has been attending and that has been a great thing for him, but I know that he misses us as we stay home and I try desperately to find something to fill the space.

It's hard.

Today I've just been so melancholy longing for what was before when we would head to church, grab some lunch and be a family doing something that is a core part of us. But for 18 months that has been changed, altered and it is really hard to find rest for our weary souls. I am beginning to really understand and believe in the importance of the body of Christ...not in just attending church, but being a part...participating in what it means to be His church.

It is increasingly harder and harder to try to find some balance, we are so ready for parts of our life to find us again. I long for friendships, acquaintances, interactions with others. Part of the hardship is just knowing that life is moving forward without you...

But, that has always been a hardship.

There are so many layers to the outcomes of having a child with cancer. So many things that you wish someone would have told you...so many feelings that come without warning and try as you might you would love to just live again. Today has been one of those days...

After we ate some lunch and I was playing with Camryn's hair she asked me if I could put it in a ponytail for her. I thought well we could try...her hair is still pretty short and very curly, but let's see. So we did, I was able to get two little ponytails and the rest clipped down and you know what? I saw Camryn for the first time...the Camryn before she relapsed...the grown up Camryn. She is running around looking in every mirror and admiring her ponytails...she sees the difference too and she likes it.

I smile when I think of her hair coming back, it may seem simple; but it's huge.

And yet today I struggle to find a balance between what was and what is.

And that struggle always seems to find me on Sunday.

bowling & the beach...

::: Bowling Fun :::

This past Thursday we celebrated our niece Tori's 5th birthday! What fun we had bowling and eating dinner out...such fun! We were the only party at the bowling alley so the kids had a blast bowling. Camryn and Wyatt had never bowled before and they loved it, they were quite into it and completely enjoyed trying something new.

Wyatt watching...this boy is hilarious striking his various poses.



After making a good shot...all Wyatt wanted to do is score. He doesn't quite get the lingo of bowling, but he sure thought he had a lot points!



These two are the best of friends, honestly I'm not sure what Wyatt would do without Riley. He adores her and they have too much fun together...



Camryn and James...I'm not sure there is anyone in the world who means as much to Camryn as James does. She loves him and adores him...they are best friends in so many ways. I love this picture, they are just getting too big.



Camryn showing her bowling skills...



Here they are again...Wy & Ry oh the bond they share.



Camryn and Tori, the birthday girl...these two are funny, funny girls. What a neat friendship they have...



We are so thankful for family, an incredible treasure. This birthday party was a bittersweet in that it was the last birthday party that the Mikels family will be together for. This summer Jason's sister and her family are moving to Colorado, it is a great opportunity for them and we are happy for them. But, we are all very sad...we love them so and it just won't be the same.

::: Beach Day :::

On Friday we headed to the beach for the day, first beach trip of the summer. Both Camryn and Wyatt love the beach, they are beach bums for sure. They enjoy the sand, every bit of it; they aren't big fans of the water, but I'm sure in time.

My three loves...



A Daddy and his best girl...



Running and playing...enjoying a day together.



Classic beach babe pose...Camryn loves the beach, thankfully we found some line guards and she was able to enjoy the day.



Silly Daddy and Silly Wyatt



Wyatt LOVES his Teddygrams!



Sweet Cam...


We are thoroughly enjoying our summer...as I write this the kids are out playing baseball with their Daddy. Yep, it's summer and it is a wonderful change of pace. Our hearts need rest and renewal...so thankful for family, friends and fun!

results...

Insert *sigh* here...

Today we got Camryn's echo results...per the echo her clot remains unchanged. Sigh...

Jason and I are both a bit discouraged, we were so very hopeful that after a year on Lovenox that in some way we would say good-bye to the nightly shots. But, that's not to be...at least not yet. Camryn's nurse practitioner said that she would talk with Dr.M and see what the future plan is. In essence where do we go from here? Do the shots continue? Could an oral medication be taken at this point? Would removing her line change things? I emailed her NP later today and have yet to hear back, just hoping for some change in some way.

Giving your sweet girl nightly shots stinks...

And we are tired of it...

No one more so than Camryn.

:: And yet...::

Camryn's labs came back great...her numbers are doing really well and the numbers look strong and steady. We are very pleased...very!

So in light of a disappointment we are trying to keep things in perspective and realize that it could be a lot worse. And at times when I need reassurance I look into the most beautiful blue eyes and realize...

Camryn rode her bike today...

Camryn built a mini "It's a Small World" ride...

Camryn entertained me with her songs...

Camryn made a video on the laptop...

Yep, all in a day she lived and you know that's what it's all about. That's the true result to celebrate...

Camryn is doing awesome, of course we'd love to have things be *perfect* and *easy*. But, I love her little face sleeping soundly in her bed...yep, that's the result worth everything.

disneyland, clinic, echo...

Whew, the last two days have been very full...fun, but full!

Yesterday, my friends T & C invited Camryn, Wyatt and me to join them and there little ones for a day at Disneyland. With school finishing up on Friday we of course jumped at the chance! My friend T and her little girl E rode down with us, oh my goodness if you could have seen the three little kids laughing it up and singing along with the Disney cd all the way down. Fun! We met C and her little guy C at the gate and headed in for fun...first stop Dumbo!

We had a very fun day of rides, food, fun and friends. The kids were fabulous...I must admit that this was the kids and my first trip to Disneyland without Jason and the kids were wonderful! We had a lot of fun!

Camryn was very brave and tried a few rides that she had never rode before and enjoyed them immensely! After lunch and the rockets C and C headed home and the rest of us headed to California Adventure. We had such fun riding a few rides, eating ice cream and waiting for the parade. Camryn and Wyatt love little E so much and what fun they had chatting and enjoying the parade together. After the parade we headed back to Disneyland for a few more rides and dinner. After dinner the kids caught a bit of a second wind while T and I were fading fast. Made our last rounds and headed home...

At 9:00! Yep, the kids did great and we stayed as long as they were able...we changed into pj's and headed home. As we headed out of the parking structure we saw the fireworks from the car and as Camryn said, "What a perfect way to end a perfect day."

Indeed it was such fun...thanks T & C for inviting us to join you. We sure are blessed by some amazing friends, love you!

Being that we got home late last night this morning's clinic wake up call was not the most pleasant, but the fact that Wyatt was tagging along with us made it a bit better. All four of us headed to clinic as school is out and Camryn just loves when all of us go with her.

We got to clinic saw Camryn's nurse practitioner and Dr.M...it was a great appointment. Everyone said "Camryn looked great!". Things are pretty much stable and are staying the same...no real changes. Although Dr.M did say he is open to begin discussing taking Camryn's line out...Yay! We had not heard back on Camryn's labs, so at this point no news is good news and we'll hear tomorrow. Hopeful that maybe this summer Camryn can get her line out and begin that new feeling of normal.

At 9:00 we headed to the Heart Center for Camryn's echocardigram. We were pleased to see a familiar tech and Camryn did great! It was cute as this time she was very into the echo asking all sorts of questions and such. The tech was super and answered ALL Camryn's questions, explaining the pictures, heart rhythms, beating, pulses, etc...it was amazing. The tech didn't reveal anything about Camryn's clot, but did say her heart looked amazing, very strong! And you know after 75 days of total arsenic treatment in her life a strong heart is a complete miracle. Believe me that little tidbit did not go unnoticed, not one bit.

Camryn's heart is a treasure...her physical heart. I was in awe watching her valves open and shut, the red and blood colors of blood flow, the sounds of the rhythms, the sounds of the flow...all of it. Camryn was too, it was very cool. So cool in fact that the tech gave Camryn a picture of her four chambers to bring home...yep, that picture will hang on her bulletin board right by her perfect EKG. How many kids do you know with those certificates in their rooms? :)

We will wait for the results, but you know tonight I have an extreme sense of peace. Maybe because I'm exhausted to the point that my eyes are half shut as a type, but I really think it is something more. Today at clinic as I listened to Dr.M's excitement in his voice at how well Camryn is doing, as I watched Wyatt smile at his sister, as I watched Camryn enjoy her brother to the fullest, as I took it all in I realized that we can either be anxious and nervous at every juncture or trust it as it is.

As we sat waiting for the echo Jason said that he was nervous about what would happen if they took Camryn's line out and she got sick again...to which I smiled and said "we've already lived that." And we have, and we have to trust that if we ever live it again the Lord will meet us again and again and again. It is incredibly hard to live that that every day, it is.

After Camryn's echo we headed back to clinic as I had forgotten to ask for some prescription refills. While I waited there was a mother standing in the hall way sobbing as the social worker talked with her...my heart froze. I'd been that mother, I am that mother...

Maybe one day the sting, the hurt of those moments will not be as pronounced...I'm not sure, but one thing I know for certain is that there is no escaping those moments that your world fell apart. There is no place you can hide those raw, vulnerable feelings, no hole deep enough. I stood there and just prayed and asked the Lord to be with her, her child and her future.

Knowing that in many ways I am still that mother in the hallway and learning to live again...

dad, daddy, fathers...

“We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents.” ~Henry Ward Beecher

I believe this to be true...when you start parenting that little life in your hands and you start to love something so profoundly outside of yourself, you find at that moment what being a parent is truly about.

I told my friend recently that parenthood is not for wimps...and it's true. And in this day and age I truly believe that fatherhood, being a dad is quite possibly one of the most incredible things ever.

For thirty-five years I have been beyond blessed by my dad, he is an incredible man. A man who I cherish for his wisdom, his patience, his guidance, his belief in me, his love. Never once have I doubted his love for me, oh I may have pitched my fits and I may have wondered why I wasn't getting my way...but his love for me was the constant the steady of my life. I remember once in high school someone asking me how I knew my dad loved me and that answer was quite simple, because he is there. My dad was my greatest cheerleader and my greatest critic; he believed the best in me and saw my failures. I am who I am today because of the molding of my dad and I am richly blessed.

My children are equally blessed to have Jason for their Daddy. They love that he has for them runs so deep, so true and so consistent. I am in awe of the many things that he has encountered as a daddy and remained true to his belief, his standards, his faith. Jason's journey as a father has not been the easiest, he practically lived in the hospital with Camryn through her first transplant, never once complaining, never once needing to get a way as it was overwhelming. No, he was there...he showed up throughout every big moment for Camryn and he does still. And Wyatt has an incredible man to model his life after...and incredible man of God, of love, of faith, of trust. My children are richly blessed.

And for grandpas they could not have a richer heritage of faith and love investing in them. The legacy that my dad and Jason's dad give to our kids is amazing a gift truly beyond measure and I am amazed daily at the investment they make in my children.

I am thankful...for men who are consistently there for Camryn and Wyatt. Who model for them what it means to live a life for Christ and to love deeply and serve fully.

Happy Father's Day...

update on medical life...

Our positive thoughts on switching medical groups for Camryn were again confirmed yesterday...

We got an authorization in the mail for Camryn's echo...

And a message confirming an appointment for Tuesday.

So after months of waiting Camryn will have her echo this Tuesday! Very thankful!