open doors...

Today was the first of many days spent walking through an open door...

As I was sitting in teacher orientation this morning, feeling very much like a fish out of water I was was challenged to walk through the open door. In February I walked out of a door and I never really returned...until today. One of the perks of teaching at a Christian school is the awesome worship time we had to set the tone for the day...followed by a word of encouragement from Pastor Jack Hayford. I must say that I found what he shared to be so encouraging for my heart...

He focused on Revelation 3 and 4 and the images of the open door found there...and he talked about the open door ahead of us of a new school year, and that the Lord could be knocking on our hearts to do business with him, and that the strength to go through the door with Him. I kept thinking about the open door...

You see our lives were becoming a thing of normalcy all be it a new one and the bottom fell out and now there is a new open door...

And it is an uneasy feeling walking through it.

Starting a new school year always seems to bring a fresh start for me...new students, a new year, a new beginning, a new chance. This year is that and so much more for my entire family.

Jason starts school next week.
Camryn starts kindergarten in the next couple weeks.
Wyatt turns three.

Yes, we are all starting to see our new normal life take shape again...and it is hard to know how best to handle it. We know that the Lord has placed before us another opportunity to live a normal life...I guess you could say the last couple months have been far from normal. Now it feels that our normal life is starting to take shape...

And I am nervous.

Because through open doors lay new challenges, new adventures and new realities...and sometimes that it's a lot. But, we've been here before. We have stood on the edge of the door to normalcy and walked through and soaked it all in, relished it and thoroughly enjoyed it...until it fell apart.

So I guess walking through it again is taking a bit more out of us...to really trust. To really believe. To really hope.

Again...

That this is the open door HE has called us to.

days of summer...

Today was a wonderful day...

Summer is coming to an end and school will soon be upon us and we will be finding a new routine and rhythm for life. So for today we decided to enjoy the last days of summer. We took a trip up to one of Camryn's most favorite places...Ventura Beach. I have to say after today I believe it became one of Wyatt's favorite places too.

We went up after lunch and just spent the day enjoying cooler weather and the beautiful scenery. Camryn and Wyatt both enjoyed walking in the water, playing, enjoying all the fun...and just being together.

Together...

Our journey since February and Camryn's relapse has been a long one...we have spent the past 6 months adjusting to a new normal and now in a few days the first part of that will really start to come into focus. I start back to work on Monday...it will be a very weird to start back into a set routine. I will be teaching part-time in order to be available to work with Camryn's schooling. Luckily Jason doesn't start back to work until the next week so we'll have some time to adjust to actually having a work routine again.

We should also hear more about Camryn's schooling and hopefully hear from her teacher. We are anxious to see what is ahead for Camryn and how all of this will work out. Camryn is very excited to see what is in store for her...we all are.

Wyatt's birthday is coming up in a few weeks...so we will be getting ready for our little guy's 3rd birthday. Hard to even believe he will be three...hard to even consider that he has done the amazing things he has. Quite a boy!

Our journey will be taking a turn in the upcoming weeks...our new normal world will begin to again transition, and yet through it all we are together.

Together...and thankful that through it all we are together through the days of summer and the coming of fall.

day +82...big YAY

Lots of smiles here in the Mikels household today...

Camryn's clinic appointments have been moved to once a month! Woohoo! Jason, Camryn and I headed down to clinic this morning...hopeful that maybe we'd have really great news today, but as always knowing that anything can change.

We got to clinic and saw Berkley the new nurse practitioner and Dr.M, both of whom were pleased with Camryn's exam and said that her labs have continually looked good and they would call us if anything came up. And then Dr.M said that he is moving Camryn to once a month clinic visits to which Camryn replied, "Yes!". Yep, not much gets by her.

After seeing the doctors Camryn went to say bye to Nurse Charlotte who was very excited for Camryn's once a month visits and we got her labs. Let me say her labs look wonderful! Jason and I both just stood in awe...her hemoglobin is up to 11.0 and her platelets are at 187,000. Her whites are still on the lower side and her ANC is at 1100, but those are the last things to recover from transplant. But we were thrilled with her hemoglobin! She had been hovering around 8 so to see it bump up to 11.0 is just awesome! We were very excited...in fact I told Jason yesterday that I had noticed Camryn really returning to herself energy wise...lots of play, lots of energy and just go, go, go. Which now doesn't surprise me at all...her hemoglobin is great!

Camryn was very thrilled with the news of once a month doctor visits...it's amazing what she *gets* this time around. I think she knows that for a month she'll taste a bit of normalcy and once she hits Day +100 a little bit of life comes back.

When we got home from clinic a very cute little boy was watching out the window for us...Wyatt just hates when Camryn is not home. He knows she is at the doctor, but I think he awaits to see if she is really coming home. They immediately starting playing and off they went...can't say it gets old watching those two.

For lunch we headed over to visit with Devon who is now on bed rest at home. What a praise...it was wonderful to get to sit and chat with her and for Camryn and Wyatt to see her too. They've missed their Dee dee! Uncle Robby came by too so that was nice to get to spend some time with them. Little baby girl continues to do well and Devon in hanging in there...thanks for praying, almost to 27 weeks...and hopeful for many more.

Today was a big YAY for us...lots of smiles and we are simply thankful!

pausing...

This weekend has been a rough one...I have had a severe migraine since Friday evening and am just now on Sunday afternoon starting to feel a bit better. I've spent a lot of time just laying down and my mind spent a lot of time mulling, pondering, questioning, thinking about all sorts of things.

On Friday Jason and I attended a memorial service for a beautiful 5 month old baby girl who lost her fight with leukemia. To say the service was beautiful would be an understatement...I found myself in tears, considering so many things, so many thoughts. As the processional left the church I saw her Mommy, tears streaming down her face and my heart just broke. For it is a devastating thing watching your child fight a disease that doesn't play fair, to hold them, to hope with them...to be their Mommy. I have met some amazing women throughout this journey, some amazing mothers who have taught me, challenged me and encouraged me. Some I have met, others are friends from afar; but either way they are a significant piece to my daily journey. For it is through them that I know I am not alone...that leukemia did not just strike my family alone, that there are others out there who are walking journeys that they never asked for. Even now there are mothers attending to their children on UCLA's hemoc floor...and my heart aches for them.

Because no matter how many days post transplant you are...or if you even had a transplant there is never a moment when cancer isn't a part of your life. You will look at the world entirely differently. You will look at your children differently. You will look at family, friends and strangers differently. You will look at God differently.

If there is anything to be gained for me by Camryn's journey through leukemia it is a closer walk with my Savior...falling at His feet time and time again. Letting Him hold me when at times it seems as though the whole world has walked out. Allowing Him be enough. Taking Him at His Word, believing the promises of Scripture and knowing that cancer is not His tool.

As I sat in the service a few words rang loud and true for me..."that God didn't do this. This is not His will." I will admit I have wrestled with these thoughts...asking, begging and pleading with the Lord to help me understand. And really there is no way I truly can...I can hold on with all my might to Him who will make it right...to Him who will redeem it all, in His glorious, beautiful time.

And also the words about miracles..."perhaps we didn't get the miracle of healing we wanted. But maybe a miracle took place that enabled her parents to love her, care for her and be there for her. Perhaps that was the miracle." Amazing...because perhaps the miracles found in the journey of cancer are not necessarily healing, although healing is the outcome we'd like...maybe the miracle is what Christ is doing within us. That allows us to walk the journeys we are on with grace and dignity; surrounded in love by Him.

So I'm pausing this weekend...pausing to really let the Lord sink in my heart. To really let Him carry me through some of the struggles. Yes Camryn is thriving and doing very well, but ever present is the fear that almost chokes you alive.

Learning how to let go of those fears of relapse, sickness, cancer...all of that. And rest, rest in Him...finding comfort for each day in Him and Him alone.

not what i expected...

Back to School is upon us, there are ads everywhere and deals to be had. But, honestly this coming school year is nothing like what we expected it to be.

Today we picked up Camryn's desk, she was so excited! We put the desk together and she truly was just thrilled with all of it...we talked about getting some school supplies and getting some desk accessories. Oh what a true girl she is, she loves all that fun! Loves figuring out what she would like on her desk, pictures, knick knacks, all of it!

Later this evening we went to the park to have dinner...what a lovely evening. We had lots of fun going on adventures, playing tag, taking walks and just being together. Camryn and Wyatt both LOVE being outside and just taking in the nice summer evening. As we sat and watched some people play on the playground Camryn asked when she is able to play again, when is she able to have her friends again, when is school starting at the Big Village.

I will admit that Jason and I both have avoided completely talking with Camryn about what is to come about school. I think this was one of those topics that we both had to swallow hard before we even began to think about how best to talk with Camryn. We have been praying about it...that the Lord would guide us and help all of us through this transition. Well, the moment came tonight. As we were sitting on a bench talking she asked about when school starts at Village. Jason and I took deep breaths and talked with her. We told her that right now she will not be going to Village for kindergarten, that because her body is not strong enough yet to be around people that she was going to do school differently. We explained that she would have a teacher that would come to our house and teach her...that she would have to do school like that until she was able to be at Village. And once she could go to Village with Mommy she will...

There were no tears, but a very sad little girl...she didn't say much at all. But she got very quiet and just laid her head on my lap...I told her I loved her so and that I was so sorry.

As Camryn walked away to go check out what Wyatt was doing, Jason said, "I feel so bad for her...everything she wants to do she can't. All she wants to do is be 5 and live..."

And it's true...Camryn gets it and yet doesn't. She is sad, but she will be alright. We will do our very best to make school a very special experience for her whether she goes to her teacher or her teacher comes to her. We know that this is no way what we wanted for her and I won't lie it's hard.

So we are praying about Camryn's teacher, we have yet to meet them; but we are hoping that the Lord guides just the right teacher to us...to make this wonderful for Camryn. To make her first year of school as memorable as ever.

But for now, we'll cherish the memories made today...




















Our Big Girl's desk...not such a baby girl's room anymore.

free tuesday...

Camryn's first free Tuesday since February 3, 2009...every Tuesday since then has either been spent at clinic or in the hospital. Crazy? We sure think so...

So today was a benchmark of sorts for Camryn and us. We slept in...no early alarms today or waking to beeping IVs. No driving our usual route to UCLA. No ID bracelets...clinic sheets. No labs drawn...this is the first time that there will be no weekly labs. Crazy? We sure think so...

But we sure are not going to complain, nope. Rather we are thankful.

Because we know that this road is so long, incredibly long and we've traveled it before. Even the littlest thing is one to be thankful for. We know that in most circles weekly doctors are not the norm. Yes, we have lived in a world where most do not...and you know at some point that just is what it is. We cannot change our realities and yes at times the realities that we live in makes us want to scream. But for today we will praise and be thankful because we know that it isn't always this way. We know that things can change in an instant...there are no guarantees. We understand that full well.

But we sure are not going to take a free Tuesday for granted.

Today my sister's family came down to do some school shopping so we were very happy to hang out with them and have a very southern, very traditional Wilson family dinner with them, thanks to my mom for cooking! Unfortunately I could not enjoy the food fully as I had to go to the dentist today and well let's just say that is never fun or easy. But the kids ate and ate and just loved being with family. Honestly, I think Camryn and Wyatt could just hang out with all their cousins all the time if they could...they are truly blessed with an amazing group of cousins.

Camryn was very thrilled to be free today...she savored just being able to do her thing and just enjoy life. I don't think a day goes by when at some point I am not amazed at her...she leaves me speechless.

Wyatt enjoyed some time today with his favorite person...Daddy. They ran some errands, got lunch and played baseball at the park. Yep, they are quite a pair and Wyatt so enjoys time spent with Daddy.

We are thankful today for the Camryn's continued progress...we are humbled daily with how she is doing...we are grateful to the Lord for all His many blessings on Camryn's life.

Please continue to pray for a family of another fighter who became an angel...our hearts ache, but we rest and hope in the Lord's grace and comfort. May the Lord continue to lavish His peace upon their hearts moment by moment.

Please also pray for our sweet niece and her Mommy, Devon. Devon is currently still in the hospital, but there is hope that she might get to go home until the baby comes. Please pray that the new meds work...and sweet baby girl stays put for awhile longer and that Devon can get home to rest and enjoy time with Rob and Riley.

We thank you our faithful friends in real life and blog life who daily check in on us and who pray for us and with us...thank you. Thank you for your prayers for Camryn, she's not out of the woods by a long shot, but each day is a gift...

And today was a great one...

Thank you Lord, it was much needed.

at a loss for words...

Sometimes leukemia wins and it's not fair, simply it's horrible. Right now I can't quite wrap my mind around things, my heart is aching. While Camryn is seemingly beating leukemia another little one lost their fight.

My hope and prayer is that the Lord will be as real to them as ever, that He holds them so closely and lavishes His comfort on them.

I wish that my words would come, but they're not. Only tears...