A lot of time is devoted to Camryn...after all she is the one with cancer, but tonight I wanted to share a bit about the greatest little man in my life.
Wyatt from the moment he was born has never ceased to amaze me...he is quite possibly the greatest gift ever. There is so much more to Wyatt than meets the eye, long ago I simply just knew that this little boy would fill places in my heart like no one else.
Wyatt makes me smile...he just makes me smile and these days smiles are something that my mommy's heart needs. Tonight he was my partner for the game of Trouble and he just sat on my lap...and I just savored the moment. He's almost two-and-a-half...but my baby he will always be. I'm sure years from now he will argue with me about how grown up he is, but I know that I will forever look at him as my little guy Wy.
There is a long road ahead for our family and in as much as I am worried about Camryn I am equally worried about Wyatt. Wyatt will have to adjust to a new routine, a new schedule...he will most likely be juggled between grandparents as Jason and I will have to be with Camryn. Wyatt also will be going into surgery...that is something that I had not anticipated and yes it scares me to a degree.
I was talking with a mom earlier this week and she asked me if I was scared to have Wyatt go into surgery...was I worried about him? Yes, I am...but, I thought about it for a moment and said...You know if Wyatt were older and able to understand all of this I don't think for a moment he'd say no. He would do whatever it takes to save his sister...he absolutely loves her.
And that's the beauty of it...Wy loves Cam so incredibly much and he will miss her for the 8 to 12 weeks she is in transplant...and that's a hurt my heart is learning to hand over. Our family of 4 will have to adjust again...but, the Lord is faithful.
I will never forget what my OB said when Wyatt was born..."this baby's not early he's right on time..." Yes, in fact he was and is...he is continually what we need.
Wyatt's life verse is...
"perhaps you have come for such a time as this..." Esther 4:14
I believe that the Lord has big things for our little guy Wy and I am so thankful...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
catching up with me
Two weeks of arsenic down...two weeks to go and it is all starting to catch up with me.
Today I am tired...just overwhelmed by all that lies ahead and yet trying to take it day by day.
Camryn finished up her second week of arsenic today and she is doing really well...our daily visits to the procedure center are going well, the EKGs are going well...her blood counts are doing well...all in all Camryn is doing alright. Her leg pain has subsided quite a bit...which is a praise, she is walking more and more and complaining of less and less pain. She is making progress and it appears to be in a positive direction.
Although today her white count was low...Wyatt has been sick so it's likely that Camryn might come down with a bug too. This isn't unusual for siblings to share sickness, but Camryn's system is fragile so please pray that she can be protected and not get too sick. No fevers...that's what we need.
Wyatt has done well this week with the newer schedule...he enjoys his mornings with Papa & Grandma and his afternoons with Mommy. It has been a lot of fun getting to spend more time with Wyatt and just being with him...he truly brings a smile to my face and I thank the Lord daily for him.
I think a lot of feelings are finally just catching up with me...feelings that are bound to come...I've done this before, I know. Feelings that make you feel so helpless...and yet, there are people more than willing to help. People who are willing to do whatever we need...I appreciate it, but honestly I don't know what we need. I mean...I can't put it into words.
Today I went by work to see people, talk to my sub and tidy up a few loose ends that I left when my world abruptly changed...it was hard. Hard to answer the same questions...hard to by real and yet strong...hard to realize that my students are still mine with a new teacher...hard to realize that I have to let go.
It is catching up with me that I have to let go of so many things...my hopes of our non-isolated future...my dreams of kindergarten...my ideas of summer plans...my hopes of returning to some sort of normal...yes, all of those things have shifted dramatically and it's hard to explain.
We were just starting to settle into a non-isolated world...starting to venture out again and really "be" in the world. And now we are isolated again...making plans to be where kids aren't. Trying to avoid as many people as possible, not because we don't want to see them; but simply we can't. Our world was getting bigger and now it's so much smaller...
I won't lie I had big dreams for Camryn going to kindergarten...thoughts of her first day riding to school with me. For the first time we'd spend days at the same place...watching her enjoy "normal" school life...oh my heart had big dreams. Those are gone now...I know someday she will go to school, but for now I know she will have to be home schooled and that normal kindergarten will never be.
As a teacher summer is always a time of year I look forward to...Jason and I usually make plans for day trips, mini-vacations and such. Well, this year that's not to be...no trips to Disneyland...no annual trip to Morro Bay...no we were starting to work out some details and now that seems so futile now.
Normal is alluding me again...and all of the thoughts of what is to come and the anxious feeling...you know all of it is weighing heavy tonight. I feel as though there are so many things that have changed...and again I'm trying to define what our life is now.
But maybe all that doesn't matter...maybe what matters is today. Today Camryn did well...Wyatt is getting over his cold...Jason came home from work...and I am okay. Maybe that's all it needs to be for today...
Yes, if I get too far ahead of myself it all just catches up with me and I feel overwhelmed...
~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
I guess my heart needs to rest...just rest.
Today I am tired...just overwhelmed by all that lies ahead and yet trying to take it day by day.
Camryn finished up her second week of arsenic today and she is doing really well...our daily visits to the procedure center are going well, the EKGs are going well...her blood counts are doing well...all in all Camryn is doing alright. Her leg pain has subsided quite a bit...which is a praise, she is walking more and more and complaining of less and less pain. She is making progress and it appears to be in a positive direction.
Although today her white count was low...Wyatt has been sick so it's likely that Camryn might come down with a bug too. This isn't unusual for siblings to share sickness, but Camryn's system is fragile so please pray that she can be protected and not get too sick. No fevers...that's what we need.
Wyatt has done well this week with the newer schedule...he enjoys his mornings with Papa & Grandma and his afternoons with Mommy. It has been a lot of fun getting to spend more time with Wyatt and just being with him...he truly brings a smile to my face and I thank the Lord daily for him.
I think a lot of feelings are finally just catching up with me...feelings that are bound to come...I've done this before, I know. Feelings that make you feel so helpless...and yet, there are people more than willing to help. People who are willing to do whatever we need...I appreciate it, but honestly I don't know what we need. I mean...I can't put it into words.
Today I went by work to see people, talk to my sub and tidy up a few loose ends that I left when my world abruptly changed...it was hard. Hard to answer the same questions...hard to by real and yet strong...hard to realize that my students are still mine with a new teacher...hard to realize that I have to let go.
It is catching up with me that I have to let go of so many things...my hopes of our non-isolated future...my dreams of kindergarten...my ideas of summer plans...my hopes of returning to some sort of normal...yes, all of those things have shifted dramatically and it's hard to explain.
We were just starting to settle into a non-isolated world...starting to venture out again and really "be" in the world. And now we are isolated again...making plans to be where kids aren't. Trying to avoid as many people as possible, not because we don't want to see them; but simply we can't. Our world was getting bigger and now it's so much smaller...
I won't lie I had big dreams for Camryn going to kindergarten...thoughts of her first day riding to school with me. For the first time we'd spend days at the same place...watching her enjoy "normal" school life...oh my heart had big dreams. Those are gone now...I know someday she will go to school, but for now I know she will have to be home schooled and that normal kindergarten will never be.
As a teacher summer is always a time of year I look forward to...Jason and I usually make plans for day trips, mini-vacations and such. Well, this year that's not to be...no trips to Disneyland...no annual trip to Morro Bay...no we were starting to work out some details and now that seems so futile now.
Normal is alluding me again...and all of the thoughts of what is to come and the anxious feeling...you know all of it is weighing heavy tonight. I feel as though there are so many things that have changed...and again I'm trying to define what our life is now.
But maybe all that doesn't matter...maybe what matters is today. Today Camryn did well...Wyatt is getting over his cold...Jason came home from work...and I am okay. Maybe that's all it needs to be for today...
Yes, if I get too far ahead of myself it all just catches up with me and I feel overwhelmed...
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
I guess my heart needs to rest...just rest.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
forever in our hearts...
A year ago two sweet boys came into our lives and we will never be the same...
Happy Birthday Blake Lucas and Ethan Derek.
Thinking much of you today and your Daddy, Mommy and your sister...know that we love you, we miss you and we await the day to be with you again.
All our love...
Happy Birthday Blake Lucas and Ethan Derek.
Thinking much of you today and your Daddy, Mommy and your sister...know that we love you, we miss you and we await the day to be with you again.
All our love...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
all too familiar
Clinic today went really well...my dad decided to go with us to give us company, truly I always love my dad's company. My dad and I honestly could talk forever about school, sports, life...really I am my father's daughter in so many ways. So I really appreciated the company today.
Camryn did well...in fact today has been a very good day for her. She is up walking around...yes, she is on the move. Granted she is not running, jumping or skipping...but she is up off the couch and able to walk to the table, bed, bathroom or anywhere else by herself. We are praising the Lord. Her legs are improving...work arsenic, work.
Tonight Camryn and Wyatt are playing and having fun together...we are seriously seeing Camryn for the first time in awhile and it is refreshing. She is herself and for that I am exceedingly thankful.
Yet...
Today at clinic I saw a sight all too familiar. A mom who had that look...the look of exhaustion, pure sadness, just numb to the world and a little one...bald head, line scar on his neck...yep, they were walking a journey that was all too familiar.
As I watch them and overheard parts of their story...I was just numb. Please Lord work in their story...be with them I prayed as I sat there with Camryn. Then one of the nurses came in and Camryn wanted to say hi...so she did and then we ended up meeting the mom and the little boy. I was introduced as a mom who could answer transplant questions...yeah, I guess that's me now. So, the mom and I talked...I answered her questions and I tried to encourage her. At one point in the conversation I just said, I am sorry, so very sorry. Her eyes filled with tears...thank you she said.
I remembered how it felt that first time...walking through the various stages with Camryn and feeling so utterly alone, like no one in the world could possibly understand. And today...I was able to be for her someone that I had not too long ago longed for. Someone who could understand...
Please pray for their family...they start transplant process on Saturday with transplant day on March 18th.
As we left clinic Camryn said good-bye to the little boy and then looked at me and said, "Mommy I need to make him a card to take to him in the hospital." Yes, she too gets it...
So, this week we will work on a care package and some cards to give to a family we literally just met, but feel an instant connection too because they too are walking something all too familiar.
I also have come into contact with a few other families walking this journey...thank you...I thank the Lord for these new "friendships". These new people in my life who are ministering to me and who I can minister to. People who understand what it is like to watch your child battle with everything they have...people who understand what it is like to just release...to trust that the Lord will never let go.
People who are walking a journey that is all too familiar...and yet we are walking it again...
Camryn did well...in fact today has been a very good day for her. She is up walking around...yes, she is on the move. Granted she is not running, jumping or skipping...but she is up off the couch and able to walk to the table, bed, bathroom or anywhere else by herself. We are praising the Lord. Her legs are improving...work arsenic, work.
Tonight Camryn and Wyatt are playing and having fun together...we are seriously seeing Camryn for the first time in awhile and it is refreshing. She is herself and for that I am exceedingly thankful.
Yet...
Today at clinic I saw a sight all too familiar. A mom who had that look...the look of exhaustion, pure sadness, just numb to the world and a little one...bald head, line scar on his neck...yep, they were walking a journey that was all too familiar.
As I watch them and overheard parts of their story...I was just numb. Please Lord work in their story...be with them I prayed as I sat there with Camryn. Then one of the nurses came in and Camryn wanted to say hi...so she did and then we ended up meeting the mom and the little boy. I was introduced as a mom who could answer transplant questions...yeah, I guess that's me now. So, the mom and I talked...I answered her questions and I tried to encourage her. At one point in the conversation I just said, I am sorry, so very sorry. Her eyes filled with tears...thank you she said.
I remembered how it felt that first time...walking through the various stages with Camryn and feeling so utterly alone, like no one in the world could possibly understand. And today...I was able to be for her someone that I had not too long ago longed for. Someone who could understand...
Please pray for their family...they start transplant process on Saturday with transplant day on March 18th.
As we left clinic Camryn said good-bye to the little boy and then looked at me and said, "Mommy I need to make him a card to take to him in the hospital." Yes, she too gets it...
So, this week we will work on a care package and some cards to give to a family we literally just met, but feel an instant connection too because they too are walking something all too familiar.
I also have come into contact with a few other families walking this journey...thank you...I thank the Lord for these new "friendships". These new people in my life who are ministering to me and who I can minister to. People who understand what it is like to watch your child battle with everything they have...people who understand what it is like to just release...to trust that the Lord will never let go.
People who are walking a journey that is all too familiar...and yet we are walking it again...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
one on one
I am finding complete joy in getting to spend the morning hours of each weekday with Camryn...there is a blessing that I had not counted on. We enjoy our car ride together and then we spend time just one on one while arsenic is running through Camryn's veins.
We laugh as we watch movies...we enjoy coloring together...we chat...yes, we enjoy time together that if not for leukemia we would never have had.
Now believe me I'm not saying I am thankful for leukemia as it has given me so much...in fact it's quite the contrary. Leukemia has and is taking away a lot of things and I hate it, literally I hate it...but yet, we are given some things...
For most of the my years as a mommy I have worked...my parents have graciously watched Camryn and Wyatt and it has been the best of both worlds so to speak. Well, now I'm just a mommy...oh I'm still a teacher and I have students that I miss and care about so deeply. But, right now I am a mommy...and it feels good.
It feels nice to spend the afternoons with the kids soaking in all the playtime I can, because in the very near future our time together will be much different. So for now I will continue to enjoy these moments.
Camryn's appointment today went well...EKG looked good...Arsenic ran fine...Blood counts look much improved. YAY! The arsenic is appearing to do it's job and we are very thankful. Camryn also has been walking a bit more and her leg pain seems to be subsiding which is a praise.
One day at a time...and you know some days are better than others...some days I feel as though I can make it through and other days the tears fall.
One step...
One step at a time.
We laugh as we watch movies...we enjoy coloring together...we chat...yes, we enjoy time together that if not for leukemia we would never have had.
Now believe me I'm not saying I am thankful for leukemia as it has given me so much...in fact it's quite the contrary. Leukemia has and is taking away a lot of things and I hate it, literally I hate it...but yet, we are given some things...
For most of the my years as a mommy I have worked...my parents have graciously watched Camryn and Wyatt and it has been the best of both worlds so to speak. Well, now I'm just a mommy...oh I'm still a teacher and I have students that I miss and care about so deeply. But, right now I am a mommy...and it feels good.
It feels nice to spend the afternoons with the kids soaking in all the playtime I can, because in the very near future our time together will be much different. So for now I will continue to enjoy these moments.
Camryn's appointment today went well...EKG looked good...Arsenic ran fine...Blood counts look much improved. YAY! The arsenic is appearing to do it's job and we are very thankful. Camryn also has been walking a bit more and her leg pain seems to be subsiding which is a praise.
One day at a time...and you know some days are better than others...some days I feel as though I can make it through and other days the tears fall.
One step...
One step at a time.
Monday, March 2, 2009
making more of Christ...
Tonight I finally watched the second half of a dvd on hope from a series by Louie Giglio...let me back up.
A few months ago I saw a dvd by Louie Giglio on the greatness of God, the indescrible nature of God...I quickly bought the dvd series which also included one on hope. At that time I did not realize how appropriately that dvd would touch my life. Jason and I watched three of the dvds, but for some reason we never watched the fourth one...entitled The Megaphone of Hope.
Jason watched the dvd last week one night when he was home with Wyatt and told me I had to see it...well, tonight I did.
As tears filled my eyes I felt that the Lord knew that tonight I needed to hear what Louie Giglio had to say. Not because he is a great speaker, which by the way he is; but because I needed to hear it. I needed to hear so clearly a message for the very place I find myself.
In John 16:33 Jesus says: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Jesus is talking with his disciples foreshadowing his death...that trouble is coming, not a trouble of a light nature...but trouble. The kind of trouble that drops you to your knees, the bottom falls out and life takes a turn you never expected...this trouble comes because we live in a fallen, broken world. A world where trouble comes upon the good, the bad and everyone in between. The innocent, the guilty...and many of us are left to wonder WHY?
The peace comes in the trouble by being in Jesus...not calling on Him when trouble comes, but being in Him. Having a relationship with Him so that when trouble comes...the peace comes from Him.
Yet, the glory of it all is that Jesus has overcome the world...He has won.
That is the statement that rang true...I don't have to wait and see if Jesus overcomes the situations that I find myself, He already has. The glory is found in Him...that through the places I find myself I can glory in Him. I can make more of Him to the world around me.
The circumstances don't change...we are in trouble, the bottom of our world fell out a week ago and now we are left trying to find our way in the darkness again. But, we hold to the anchor...the cross of Christ.
For in the cross Jesus overcame...He showed us love like no other and in His love we can find rest. We cry out to Him, we call out for Him to work and He is...to His will and purpose and most of the time I completely don't get it. But, that's when I realize that I am not God. I am not the one left to decide the futures of the people here...oh if I were what a mess we'd have.
No, my calling...is to make more of Christ. To allow the suffering to come, because it will...but to cling, hold, never let go of the all surpassing knowledge that my God is good...He is love and He has won.
If you haven't heard this song...it is powerful...
Mighty To Save ~ Hillsong
The tears fall...the hurt comes...the darkness creeps in...
but, take heart...
my Savior has overcome...
A few months ago I saw a dvd by Louie Giglio on the greatness of God, the indescrible nature of God...I quickly bought the dvd series which also included one on hope. At that time I did not realize how appropriately that dvd would touch my life. Jason and I watched three of the dvds, but for some reason we never watched the fourth one...entitled The Megaphone of Hope.
Jason watched the dvd last week one night when he was home with Wyatt and told me I had to see it...well, tonight I did.
As tears filled my eyes I felt that the Lord knew that tonight I needed to hear what Louie Giglio had to say. Not because he is a great speaker, which by the way he is; but because I needed to hear it. I needed to hear so clearly a message for the very place I find myself.
In John 16:33 Jesus says: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Jesus is talking with his disciples foreshadowing his death...that trouble is coming, not a trouble of a light nature...but trouble. The kind of trouble that drops you to your knees, the bottom falls out and life takes a turn you never expected...this trouble comes because we live in a fallen, broken world. A world where trouble comes upon the good, the bad and everyone in between. The innocent, the guilty...and many of us are left to wonder WHY?
The peace comes in the trouble by being in Jesus...not calling on Him when trouble comes, but being in Him. Having a relationship with Him so that when trouble comes...the peace comes from Him.
Yet, the glory of it all is that Jesus has overcome the world...He has won.
That is the statement that rang true...I don't have to wait and see if Jesus overcomes the situations that I find myself, He already has. The glory is found in Him...that through the places I find myself I can glory in Him. I can make more of Him to the world around me.
The circumstances don't change...we are in trouble, the bottom of our world fell out a week ago and now we are left trying to find our way in the darkness again. But, we hold to the anchor...the cross of Christ.
For in the cross Jesus overcame...He showed us love like no other and in His love we can find rest. We cry out to Him, we call out for Him to work and He is...to His will and purpose and most of the time I completely don't get it. But, that's when I realize that I am not God. I am not the one left to decide the futures of the people here...oh if I were what a mess we'd have.
No, my calling...is to make more of Christ. To allow the suffering to come, because it will...but to cling, hold, never let go of the all surpassing knowledge that my God is good...He is love and He has won.
If you haven't heard this song...it is powerful...
Mighty To Save ~ Hillsong
Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender (I surrender)
Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
Shine Your light &
Let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus
You're the Savior
You can move the mountains
Lord You are mighty to save
You are mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
You rose & conquered the grave
Yes You conquered the grave
The tears fall...the hurt comes...the darkness creeps in...
but, take heart...
my Savior has overcome...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
it's good to be home...
Honestly, there is no better place than home after you've made the hospital "home" for a week...the enjoyment of the comforts of home that for the past week had been lost are wonderful now...as I type this I am relaxing on the couch instead of trying to be comfortable in the chair/pull out bed. So much more comfortable...
Camryn's resting peacefully in her bed with her nightlight on instead of the greenish glow of the IV machines...there will be no beeps tonight, there will be no monitors going off...no trips to the bathroom every two hours...no none of those things. There will be peace...peace in her body, as she just comfortably closed her eyes and went to sleep. She's a beautiful angel sleeping oh so peacefully, while inside her body a war is raging and right now the arsenic seems to be winning.
Camryn's doctors were very pleased today to see improvements in her levels, which seem to indicate that the arsenic is starting to work its magic. The arsenic is attacking those cursed leukemia cells and letting her body rest...go into remission. We pray that the arsenic works...that Camryn's body over the next few weeks can find peace and the leukemia is defeated. Right now Camryn's biggest struggle is her legs...she is have some severe leg pain as a result of her leukemia and to add to that being in a bed for a week and not really using her legs as added to the noodle feeling. We are hopeful that as she begins to move more and more she can find some relief...
Tonight we were able to let Camryn take a quick bath and we gently washed her hair. She has a central line which makes bathtime a little less fun than normal...but, she didn't really care. The warm water felt good on her legs and I think clean hair felt good too. After her bath I changed her line dressing...I will say she was perfect. Stayed still...followed directions and of course Wyatt was carefully watching over the process calling me a "doctor"...yeah, we are quite the medical family.
Wyatt was especially thrilled to have Camryn home...he could not sit close enough to her tonight...he wanted to "be" with her at all times. Yes, he truly is a little brother who absolutely loves his big sister...it's so priceless to see them interact together, that's something I will cherish over these next few weeks...I will keep those moments deep in my heart.
Jason and I are finally able to be home at the same time...it's nice. We are still trying to sort all the stuff out far as schedules...and such, but being home makes it so much easier. Jason heads back to work tomorrow so I will be taking Camryn down to clinic everyday, but thankfully her appointments are in the mornings so we should be home to have the afternoon and evenings together as a family.
Now we begin to savor these next few weeks...
What lies ahead of us is transplant for the second time and honestly it is a very scary reality...to go there again is hard. Over these next few weeks Jason and I could use your prayers to begin to release our fears and release our hurts and begin to hand the whole transplant process over. To let go...
I know in my head that Camryn is doing what she needs to...that this arsenic treatment and a bone marrow transplant are necessary, but my heart...well, that's another story. I want to scream at this disease to leave her alone, to shake my fits in the air at having to watch her suffer again, to be angry, to be mad...yes, I want to do all those things.
But, I am reminded that all of those things are for me...they would make me feel better but I'm not sure they would do much good for Camryn.
You see I have to believe for her...I have to have courage for her...I have to be her rock, Jason and I both do. We have to be for her what Christ is to us...
So when she lashes out at us...when she says her angry words...when she is just broken, we keep loving her. We keep holding her and assuring her that she will be alright, that we love her and we always will. I guess that's a picture for me of what the Lord is doing for me, His child.
After all it's good to be home...safe within my Father's arms. There is great comfort to be found at home for Camryn...just like there is great comfort for me with my Father...
May I be "home" with my Father throughout these next few weeks as we prepare for the long stretch of being away from home.
Camryn's resting peacefully in her bed with her nightlight on instead of the greenish glow of the IV machines...there will be no beeps tonight, there will be no monitors going off...no trips to the bathroom every two hours...no none of those things. There will be peace...peace in her body, as she just comfortably closed her eyes and went to sleep. She's a beautiful angel sleeping oh so peacefully, while inside her body a war is raging and right now the arsenic seems to be winning.
Camryn's doctors were very pleased today to see improvements in her levels, which seem to indicate that the arsenic is starting to work its magic. The arsenic is attacking those cursed leukemia cells and letting her body rest...go into remission. We pray that the arsenic works...that Camryn's body over the next few weeks can find peace and the leukemia is defeated. Right now Camryn's biggest struggle is her legs...she is have some severe leg pain as a result of her leukemia and to add to that being in a bed for a week and not really using her legs as added to the noodle feeling. We are hopeful that as she begins to move more and more she can find some relief...
Tonight we were able to let Camryn take a quick bath and we gently washed her hair. She has a central line which makes bathtime a little less fun than normal...but, she didn't really care. The warm water felt good on her legs and I think clean hair felt good too. After her bath I changed her line dressing...I will say she was perfect. Stayed still...followed directions and of course Wyatt was carefully watching over the process calling me a "doctor"...yeah, we are quite the medical family.
Wyatt was especially thrilled to have Camryn home...he could not sit close enough to her tonight...he wanted to "be" with her at all times. Yes, he truly is a little brother who absolutely loves his big sister...it's so priceless to see them interact together, that's something I will cherish over these next few weeks...I will keep those moments deep in my heart.
Jason and I are finally able to be home at the same time...it's nice. We are still trying to sort all the stuff out far as schedules...and such, but being home makes it so much easier. Jason heads back to work tomorrow so I will be taking Camryn down to clinic everyday, but thankfully her appointments are in the mornings so we should be home to have the afternoon and evenings together as a family.
Now we begin to savor these next few weeks...
What lies ahead of us is transplant for the second time and honestly it is a very scary reality...to go there again is hard. Over these next few weeks Jason and I could use your prayers to begin to release our fears and release our hurts and begin to hand the whole transplant process over. To let go...
I know in my head that Camryn is doing what she needs to...that this arsenic treatment and a bone marrow transplant are necessary, but my heart...well, that's another story. I want to scream at this disease to leave her alone, to shake my fits in the air at having to watch her suffer again, to be angry, to be mad...yes, I want to do all those things.
But, I am reminded that all of those things are for me...they would make me feel better but I'm not sure they would do much good for Camryn.
You see I have to believe for her...I have to have courage for her...I have to be her rock, Jason and I both do. We have to be for her what Christ is to us...
So when she lashes out at us...when she says her angry words...when she is just broken, we keep loving her. We keep holding her and assuring her that she will be alright, that we love her and we always will. I guess that's a picture for me of what the Lord is doing for me, His child.
After all it's good to be home...safe within my Father's arms. There is great comfort to be found at home for Camryn...just like there is great comfort for me with my Father...
May I be "home" with my Father throughout these next few weeks as we prepare for the long stretch of being away from home.
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