heavy heart...

some days the world we knew at ucla meets the world we know now and the collision can be an emotional mess...

when camryn relapsed and we were going to ucla every monday - friday for 8 weeks we came to be friends with a six-year-old boy d and his momma j.  as camryn and d would chat about the shows they were watching i found a common thread with j and it was so wonderful.  

their family had been walking this journey a long time...d had relapsed too...they were scared, frightened of what the future might hold.  we talked about treatments, radiation, doctors, school, and everything in between.  j and i became friends over many an hour in the procedure center. 

in fact one of my most telling moments as a mom of a child with cancer came with j.  camryn and d had finished treatment at the same time so we left the procedure center together, rode the elevator all the while watching the two of them laugh and play...it was good for our hearts.  as we were walking through the lobby a lady said, "look at that little boy, how sad..."  you see d had the notorious bald head of a cancer child...but, camryn did not, she looked "healthy".  this moment always stuck with me about cancer children...no one truly knows how sick they are by looking at the outside.  

after we moved through transplant and now almost four years past that point j and i are FB friends, we would send messages now and then.  i would check their blog for updates on d and pray that someday he'd be healed.

well, today he is healed...in the arms of Jesus.  

d passed away this morning after brain tumors relentlessly attacked his mind over and over.  it has been a long hard struggle for d's family...my heart aches for them.  their life was d and his fight and now they have to try to put the pieces back together.

i love d...i love j.  they met me at a time when i needed them most and i thank the lord they were there.

i am sad.  sad for all that cancer robs people of.  sad that d did not make it to his birthday this weekend.  sad that there is a mom who has devoted much of her life the past four years fighting, advocating, and caring for her son.

and really...i struggle with the reality of camryn's cancer all over.  it all just hits so close to home and there are no words to suffice.  

but, i lean into the One who knows.  i've cried tears and i've smiled.  all the while leaning into Jesus believing, hoping that He will carry j through.

until then...