a {real} school girl...

There is an air of anticipation swirling in our house, we've got lots going on...

From the demo to the laying of the foundation of our addition...

A port-a-potty in my driveway...classy, I know!

To a little boy brimming with excitement that school starts August 29th!

To a shy, reserved little girl who doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

I knew the news of last Wednesday would take awhile to settle in, not only on my heart; but more importantly on the little girl who lives the life she does. My heart has ebbed and flowed from joyful tears, to the dam that held back the tears breaking...I had buried in the very depths of my heart the thought of my little girl going to school. Those dreams were buried in 2009 and I made a promise to myself then that I would not allow myself to dig them up; that someone else would have to do the digging.

You see there is a part of this journey through leukemia that just waits...until the moments come again. While we were preparing our little boy to go to kindergarten there was a lot of burying going on...daily in fact. Daily I asked the Lord to give me new dreams and help me let go of the old ones. Daily. As the summer wore on and our little guy got ready I was finding it hard to keep all those buried things in check...remember, Lord I want/need new dreams? I'm sure He is smiling now.

So, when the call came of yes my heart did not know what to do...because, in almost every area of life my great nemesis is fear. What if I allow myself to be happy and excited only to have the dream come crashing down? I cannot do that again. What if I allow Camryn to dream those big dream and have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart if that dream does not come true? Fear, quite frankly stinks. I have lived with it for awhile and if I'm honest battling my way through it.

But, I swallowed hard and grabbed my shovel and dug up the dream...

And you know what? It is as fresh and new as it was the first time...only that much sweeter for having been grown deep in my heart.

We filled out paper work, got official enrollment things done, signed waivers, wrote checks, and today took a step that made it as real as can be...a little girl tested. Camryn walked into the office and was greeted by my second grade teacher, who in my humble opinion was the absolute best. I have the fondest memories of my time spent in room 34, so to see her face made my heart just smile. Mrs.B introduced herself and Camryn timidly went with her...Camryn was nervous, very nervous.

As I sat waiting for Camryn I lost myself in thought as I looked at the trees of the school, the field, the playground...remembering 29 years ago when a little girl roamed these very places. I thanked Jesus for giving us this. All of this. Are we nervous, yes, of course...this is new and scary for all of us. But, it is good and it is sweet.

After the testing we received good news that she did great and warmed up right away...she was a "great problem solver and good reader". My heart smiled...many thanks to Miss F, Mrs.W, and Teacher S...you should be proud of your little student. On the way home Camryn said she is nervous for real school as she has never done this...I guess at 7 it isn't the separation anxiety, it is just the social anxiety. She is worried about making friends, knowing what to do, and finding the right place for herself...a lot for a little heart to carry.

Later this afternoon we went and picked up a few uniform pieces...And as that sweet little girl was trying on her school uniform she looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, mom I am a real school girl" with the biggest smile ever.

I imagine as big as my smile was it pales in comparison to Jesus' as I'm sure He was saying...

"Yes, you are my sweet girl. Yes, you are."