first day of school...

A day that I don't think we thought would ever come...the first day of school. Camryn was very excited, thrilled, and just over the moon to get to go to school! She just had to wear her jumper and pick out her navy blue Converse...she looked darling, so grown up. This day has been a long time in coming... In fact when Camryn turned 5 I packed this day away in the "things you cannot dream" category, it was for another day, another time. Honestly, I really had not yet myself fully embrace Camryn going to school, I think in a way I was waiting for something to change. But, nothing changed. We got up, at a yummy breakfast and got our precious girl ready for her big day. I must admit part of what has taken me so long to post this is because I am lacking the words to fully capture the enormity of the moment for all of us.

Our precious girl who has fought through more than any child should ever have to was going to school...for the first time in almost 5 1/2 years she was doing something every other kid does. And that means the world. After watching other kids enjoy the moments of childhood and having to look the other way at times, because it was just too hard to watch and tell yourself "someday". Well, someday came and it was a full day, full of meaning. Camryn has made it...she has reached a benchmark that quite honestly I never knew for certain she would. She is alive. She is healthy. She is well. And to watch her drop her back pack at her classroom and run out on the playground was more than my heart could handle, tears came. That is our little girl...oh the story that the Lord has woven to get her to this moment. Oh the countless number of people who have prayed and prayed for this very moment...and here we are living it. I stopped dreaming, because it hurt too much...and know looking at those big blue eyes soaking in life as a kid in school it feels so good. I really don't know if my heart has ever felt this good since this journey began. Camryn Lee ~ You have taught me more than I will ever teach you. You fight, survive, and love in a way that few people ever will be able too...you do life big and you do life well. I am humbled and honored to be your mom...I love you my best girl and I have never been more proud of you. You fought leukemia and you've won...You've won! I thank the Lord daily for blessing my life with you...your strength runs deeper than most adults and your story has woven throughout many people's lives. You matter and your life holds weight in this world. Learn, grow, and enjoy the journey...you have fought harder than most to get here. Live it, Love it, and beyond all else thank Jesus for doing what he does best...leave us amazed at who He is. You were made for the amazing my sweet girl. Love, Mommy Our baby started kindergarten...his life has always been marked by his sisters and his life has been viewed through the lens of what is okay for her. And now Wyatt has a world all his own. I cannot believe how old he is...I cannot believe I am watching him start a journey that will forever be different. Our boy is growing up...I wish he would slow down a bit. But, why? Wyatt has a world that he needs to explore, learn, and grow in...a world outside the world of leukmia, cancer, and a sick sister. He deserves to step out of that enormous shadow and live too... And so off to kindergarten he went.

He had a bit of a struggle getting settled in...I'll admit it is a bit crazy and chaotic the first day of school and if you know Wyatt well he doesn't do well with either one of those things. Plus, let's be honest Wyatt is shy...it takes a while, a long while for him to come out of his shell and frankly being thrust into school is simply not his deal. But, I held the tears in while he begged Jason and me to not make him do this...

Inasmuch as it was a struggle, it was absolute joy. Wyatt and Camryn were starting a journey together and I think he honestly feels so much more comfortable just knowing Cam is always there. Camryn has always been there and she has been the best friend in Wyatt's little world...and I really think starting school has him nervous, how do I function on my own. I have always felt a bit guilty for Wyatt's early years, so much of them were defined by Camryn's issues...always felt that he was missing out on so much. I have always hated watching Wyatt try to find himself in social situations, feeling like maybe it wouldn't be so hard on him if he had to do it at a young age...but, there is no going back. Wyatt is learning...and Wyatt is going to be okay.

Our baby...is in school, a new chapter is being written just by the fact that we no longer have kids at home. They are big kids, oh they are still little, but they have started a new journey. A journey that I am so thankful they are on...so thankful. When I picked them up after their first day there was a lump in my throat...Wyatt had made it through, he survived and as much as he doesn't want to go back he will and he will blossom and bloom into a kindergartener in no time. Wyatt Jason... How in the world are you ready for kindergarten? I remember vividly the day we heard the news that you were coming and even more the day that you came...how are we ready to start this new journey. You have always been my love letter from Jesus, you have always been his gentle reminder that the story is never over and that he is way ahead of us...that he knows our greatest need before we do. You my precious son have always been a saving grace for your momma's heart. You are shy, timid, and yet full of strength and courage...you live quietly and loud, but more than anything you live. I love you my precious boy...my bubba. You mean the world to me and I am so proud of you for starting school. Enjoy this new journey and I am thankful for each day when you grab my hand and we walk side by side. Thank you for being my love letter, Mommy

meet the teacher night...

This past Thursday was Meet the Teacher Night...it was with great anticipation that this night came. One for this momma who has waited for the day to take a very special little girl to meet her teacher...and now that little girl is in 2nd grade! Two for this same momma who is sending her baby to kindergarten...how in the world did that happen?! Third for this same momma who earns a living teaching 8th grade students the finer points of U.S. History. Yep, all of that rolled into one night!

Here's the bullet list of the night...

* Extreme heat...my children handle heat differently. Camryn does okay, she runs a bit cooler than oh say Wyatt. Wyatt just withers, he cannot handle and he has a sweaty mess the whole evening.

* Hanging out...our family for the first time hung out as a complete family. The last couple years I did not enjoy Meet the Teacher as it was just another reminder that Camryn was sick and that her life was not normal. But, not this year! She looked and acted like any other 2nd grader...it was amazing!

* The prayer circle which is a very cool tradition, to lay the school year at the Lord's feet asking Him to guide us as we "attempt and expect" great things from Him.

* Kindergarten...We headed down to the Kindy building to meet Wyatt's teacher. Wyatt has Mrs.L is year, what a treat! He walked in and found his desk, his cubby, and did the little scavenger hunt Mrs.L had for them. It was darling! I could not believe that our little guy was starting school...yikes! Hard to believe it all...there is just so much of this momma's heart wrapped up in our little guy to see him take this next step of growing up as me a bit teary. I may or may not cry tomorrow the first day of school...I am pretty sure I will. Wyatt is ready with his nap mat, his backpack, lunch box, paint shirt...he is ready. He loves Mrs.L as she has been a friend for a long while and he knows a few friends. In fact he saw his friends R & T from summer school and they were very excited to see him...R is in his class and I'm sure they will be big friends throughout the year.

* Second grade...Camryn walked to Mrs.B's room and was so excited to find her desk and to see that she is sitting by the one little girl she knows in the class K. Mrs. B was my second grade teacher so I know Camryn is in great hands...she'll have so much fun! Camryn checked out her desk, books, papers and enjoyed the entire experience. She is nervous, but so excited! She met a little girl S who is also new and Camryn wants to make sure S is okay and she is hoping that K & S will become her good friends. I probably don't need to say that it is beyond our wildest dreams that Camryn is going to school, real school...I don't think it will fully hit me until tomorrow morning when she walks in her room. I am so proud of her...so excited for her...this is one of the greatest marks for her that she is well and there are not enough words to capture that.

We could not be happier for Camryn & Wyatt...their story is beginning a new chapter and it feels so good and yet so odd all rolled into one. We are so thrilled to be starting something new and different...no longer dictated by hospitals, doctors, and medicines. The air is different and it is a gift beyond measure.

God is good.

He has carried us to this point, and He will continue to. But, the glory for all of this is His.

God is good.

Beyond anything else that is what is rolling through my head and heart...

This journey began almost 5 1/2 years ago and now it is changing...

In His goodness it is changing.

{like} home...

It's Tuesday...

Yep, a clinic visit was on the schedule for today and since Jason and I are both off work we decided to both go with Camryn. Maybe it was the fact that we both needed/wanted to hear the words we are still celebrating..."Camryn can go to real school."

We made it down to clinic in great time, said our usual "hellos" and headed to our usual spot. For some reason today Camryn looked really grown-up to me...maybe it's the fact that the chair the kids sit in to get their vitals used to look huge when Camryn was two and now the chair fits her. It is weird to be traveling the same halls month after month for the past 58 months. While we waited in the eerily quiet clinic, Camryn drew pictures and enjoyed having both her mommy & daddy with her. In a few minutes Dr.B came in to do our initial check-up...everything looked great. We talked about medicines, therapy, immunizations, and school...all conversations that we haven't had in a long time, wait never. A few minutes later Dr.M came in...Camryn's face lit up, like it always has since she was two. Not sure there is a doctor in the world who means as much to a seven-year-old. She loves him.

Dr.M congratulated Camryn on getting to go to school...he said that her immunity cells looked great. In fact she has a large number of helper cells the kind he was hopeful to find...and those are the magic that allow Camryn to go to school. He said they would go down on her tacrolimus and then start working on getting some of the other medicines down in the next few months. We were also given a list of immunizations that are okay for her to begin...this is great news! Not to great for Camryn as she has started the immunization process when she was a baby, again at 4, and now again at 7...yikes! But, we are so thankful...so thankful.

Camryn's appointment went super...the lab draw went great and then we had to wait a little while for her prescription to be filled. So we walked over to the "big" hospital. As we were walking over Camryn said, "I spent a lot of nights in this building...". Yes, you have...almost enough to be home. Not really, but in a way UCLA feels {like} home.

I won't lie I had a knot in my stomach today, guess I was waiting for the shoe to drop, for the doctors to say they'd changed their minds and she could not go to school. I know I should think positive...but, it's hard and it is a battle.

But, I am thankful that the battle happens at a place I know so well...

So after we got home and picked up Wyatt we went shoe shopping for school...yep, it was fantastic.

It's really happening...

And in an odd way there will always be a piece of us at UCLA, no matter how well Camryn gets.

a {real} school girl...

There is an air of anticipation swirling in our house, we've got lots going on...

From the demo to the laying of the foundation of our addition...

A port-a-potty in my driveway...classy, I know!

To a little boy brimming with excitement that school starts August 29th!

To a shy, reserved little girl who doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

I knew the news of last Wednesday would take awhile to settle in, not only on my heart; but more importantly on the little girl who lives the life she does. My heart has ebbed and flowed from joyful tears, to the dam that held back the tears breaking...I had buried in the very depths of my heart the thought of my little girl going to school. Those dreams were buried in 2009 and I made a promise to myself then that I would not allow myself to dig them up; that someone else would have to do the digging.

You see there is a part of this journey through leukemia that just waits...until the moments come again. While we were preparing our little boy to go to kindergarten there was a lot of burying going on...daily in fact. Daily I asked the Lord to give me new dreams and help me let go of the old ones. Daily. As the summer wore on and our little guy got ready I was finding it hard to keep all those buried things in check...remember, Lord I want/need new dreams? I'm sure He is smiling now.

So, when the call came of yes my heart did not know what to do...because, in almost every area of life my great nemesis is fear. What if I allow myself to be happy and excited only to have the dream come crashing down? I cannot do that again. What if I allow Camryn to dream those big dream and have to pick up the pieces of her broken heart if that dream does not come true? Fear, quite frankly stinks. I have lived with it for awhile and if I'm honest battling my way through it.

But, I swallowed hard and grabbed my shovel and dug up the dream...

And you know what? It is as fresh and new as it was the first time...only that much sweeter for having been grown deep in my heart.

We filled out paper work, got official enrollment things done, signed waivers, wrote checks, and today took a step that made it as real as can be...a little girl tested. Camryn walked into the office and was greeted by my second grade teacher, who in my humble opinion was the absolute best. I have the fondest memories of my time spent in room 34, so to see her face made my heart just smile. Mrs.B introduced herself and Camryn timidly went with her...Camryn was nervous, very nervous.

As I sat waiting for Camryn I lost myself in thought as I looked at the trees of the school, the field, the playground...remembering 29 years ago when a little girl roamed these very places. I thanked Jesus for giving us this. All of this. Are we nervous, yes, of course...this is new and scary for all of us. But, it is good and it is sweet.

After the testing we received good news that she did great and warmed up right away...she was a "great problem solver and good reader". My heart smiled...many thanks to Miss F, Mrs.W, and Teacher S...you should be proud of your little student. On the way home Camryn said she is nervous for real school as she has never done this...I guess at 7 it isn't the separation anxiety, it is just the social anxiety. She is worried about making friends, knowing what to do, and finding the right place for herself...a lot for a little heart to carry.

Later this afternoon we went and picked up a few uniform pieces...And as that sweet little girl was trying on her school uniform she looked in the mirror and said, "Wow, mom I am a real school girl" with the biggest smile ever.

I imagine as big as my smile was it pales in comparison to Jesus' as I'm sure He was saying...

"Yes, you are my sweet girl. Yes, you are."

pinch her...

I think Camryn is in a state of disbelief...it's almost as if she is walking around asking to be pinched to make sure this is real...

SCHOOL.

Today, we went to school to filled out the official enrollment paperwork and everyone who saw her said, "Yay, Camryn!" She was a tad embarrassed, but it was awesome for this momma's heart. As I filled out contact information I smiled...didn't really let my heart allow myself to believe this could/would happen now. Then I got to the Student Health History paper...really?! Can I add a second page? But, simply put...

Bone Marrow Transplant June of 2009, remission from leukemia.

And that's the story...feels almost as if the period (.) really belongs there. As of right now that's our story and we are beginning on a whole new chapter.

And again the Dynamic Duo is starting the chapter together, side by side, almost as if that's the way it's always intended to be.

It's fitting I think...completely fitting. And a dream come true!

So pinch us...it's real!

long awaited news...

After two year of waiting Camryn got the biggest news of her little life today...

She is cleared to go to school this fall, real school! She is SO excited...

I won't lie, there were tears cried by many when we shared our news...the only bummer was that her daddy wasn't here to see her huge smile in person. But, she made sure she chatted with him!

It seems pretty darn surreal...we have put this dream on the back shelf so long that to be honest it's as if I don't know how to live it as it was let go.

But, I'm sure it won't take long...

There is talk of back packs, uniforms, shoes, classrooms, teachers and everything else...not sure there is a second grader in the world more excited for school than Little Miss Camryn Lee.

We are so thankful, more than thankful for what this means...

I'll write more later...right now tears are clouding my eyes. :)

lots of this 'n that...

Well, what can I say...I've been a bit, okay a lot behind in blog posts. Guess I can chalk it up to just being busy and enjoying every last second of summer.

Here's a few of the highlights:

* Wyatt's summer school adventure...tomorrow is Wyatt's last day of summer school as he will be missing the last three days due to our family vacation. To say we are amazed at the growth in him over the course of the past few weeks would be an understatement...we are speechless. What started as a rough process, grew into something so unique and special for Wyatt which means so much. We are very excited as Wyatt really had his own little world to explore and enjoy. He did great! He made friends, learned a lot, and most of all grew up before our eyes. So, later in August our little boy will head to as Mrs.D calls it "the Big Time, Kindergarten". We are incredibly thankful for the past few weeks...thankful for Wyatt's adventure this summer and what it means to his mommy and daddy.

* Camryn's adventurous summer...let's just say Camryn has had a few full weeks of summer. Camryn's goal this summer was to learn to swim, and I'm proud to say that she is well on her way there. Many thanks to our friends who kindly let us use their pools...so nice! Camryn is also reading, reading, and reading. I have taken her to the library twice and she is loving it...books are her friends, and what great friends to have. When she is not reading or playing, she is creating something...Camryn loves crafts and she loves paper, scissors, tape, and anything else she can use to create something just right. The other day it was all the dixie cups in the bathroom...she created a ton of stuff. Can't say I loved using all the cups, but honestly her creativity was pretty amazing.

* Camryn's medical world...her labs continue to be great! There is no end to our praise about that, we don't take that for granted one bit! In light of her labs looking great her team has decided to wean her meds which has been a step in the right direction. We are thankful for how well Camryn is doing. She is losing much of her steroid weight, which is wonderful...Camryn is looking more and more like herself, yay!

* Jason's projects...we are planning to add on a room to our house. We have a back patio/room that we are going to demo and then officially add it on to our home...we are excited! In light of that we have to figure out some things for our two dogs; so Jason has been busily working on our side yard to create a dog run type area for our dogs to be during construction. We also had a bit of a rough 4th of July weekend...our neighbors love to set off fireworks, much to my disliking. Our dogs get scared out of their minds hearing the "pop, pop, pop". Our dog Sydney who we've had for five years decided this year to jump over our fence into our neighbor's yard while they were having a party...yep, lovely! So we've been trying to figure out ways to keep Sydney in our yard...the final solution is our neighbors, yes the ones who's yard she visited 3 times gave us some lattice screens to use. And thus far, Sydney has stayed home...thankfully!

* Dana's projects...the week before last I was at Camp Curriculum at work. We worked on our curriculum plans for our classes and our WASC visit this coming March. Then last week I worked some more...doing teacher interviews and meeting to work through our school handbooks. So, really officially summer is now...no more work for me until I go back officially in August. I am busily looking online to get ideas for how I would like to decorate our new space...trying to figure out how best to use the furniture we have and such. And I am reading...I have found this summer that reading is something I love to do and most of the time throughout the school year I don't have time. But, so far I've read two books and I just checked out two more from the library...yay!

We are enjoying life...and the life feels normal, we are beyond thankful!

Hope you are enjoying your summer too...